THE BLOG
08/31/2015 09:03 am ET Updated Aug 31, 2016

9 Things I Wish I Knew Before Marriage

Elle and I have been married for about 3.5 years now and it has been mostly awesome. There have been some hard parts sprinkled here and there, but that's just life!

We have learned a lot from each other over the years, but I reaaaaally wish someone would have filled me in on these 9 things before we said "I Do".

1. People Will Relentlessly Ask About Your Reproductive Ability

Listen, we don"t want kids right now. It doesn't matter how many times we tell this to people, they STILL ask. I don't get why folks are so concerned with Elle's uterus. When we're ready to bring some little ones into the world...

We. Will. Let. You. Know.


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2. Hearing Your Name Yelled Spurs Feelings Of Panic & Confusion

I go through roughly four seconds of sheer panic whenever my wife yells my name from another room. I feel like a kid sometimes because I don't know if I'm in trouble or if I did something so surprisingly good that Elle has to tell me about it (even though I did it).

You know what really get's me in trouble?

Wife: "Babe, what is in this dirty-clothes basket?"

Me: "Dirty clothes??"

Wife: "Babe..."

Me: "...clean clothes...because I'm lazy..."


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3. No Matter How Beautiful Your Partner Is -- They Will Have Their Days

You've seen my wife right? She's beautiful! The thing is, people have their days where they just do not feel pretty. She is not immune to feeling like a sack of potatoes from time to time, and that's alright. I just try to remind her that she is still pretty even when she doesn't feel like it. She says that I just say it because I have to, but honestly I say it because it's true!


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4. Netflix Is Life

Seriously, what would we do most nights?

Grey's Anatomy, Breaking Bad, House of Cards, Orange is the New Black, New Girl, and countless movies. I don't even know why we pay for actual TV service, we watch all of the best shows on Netflix. It's just so nice to sit with each other and talk to the TV together and not worry about being judged because you just asked Meredith Grey when she is going to finally get her life together...

Also, I have to thank my mother-in-love for making us a profile on her account. She has done wonders for our marriage!


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5. Food Is Like Marriage Glue

You know how they say that women are supposed to love cooking and essentially be professionals in the kitchen? Well, things don't go that way in this house. I would say I handle about 70% of the cooking. It's not a big deal to me because I enjoy cooking. What I enjoy more is the fact that Elle actually likes the food that I cook! I have a pretty extensive set of recipes under my belt now, and it definitely helps me keep us from starving or going out to eat too much. This wasn't really the case back when we were dating though. I was essentially a one-trick pony and only knew how to "cook" one dish.

My secret to keeping a happily fed wife?

Jesus & Lawry's Seasoning Salt.


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6. You Lose 'Most' Of Your Smooth Moves

When I was still trying to win Elle over, I'm pretty sure that I had ALL the juice. I'm talking straight up Tropicana & Minute Maid juice. Being married for a few years has gotten me a little bit out of practice. I have to remind myself to work my magic every so often. This way, she won't get bored with me.

Admittedly, I still embarrass myself every now and then whenever I try to do something 'seductive' and she just stares at me like... (o__0)


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7. Arguments Will Be One-Sided

And by one-sided, I mean whatever side she is on is usually the winning side..


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8. There Will Be Small Victories

Remember how I said that she usually wins? Well, there are very few scenarios where the husband will actually be right. There are even fewer instances where the wife will actually SAY that her husband is right. Good Lord, you have never known sweet victory until you have heard the words, "I'm sorry babe, but you're actually right..."

Now...I don't really hear all of those words in the same sentence too often, but I do have memories of how great they sound together!


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9. You Will Secretly Judge People Together

People love to people watch. WE love to people watch. Here's the problem: Elle and I are both overly analytical. So much so, that we sometimes get a little carried away in our people watching endeavors. We might see a couple walk by and then create an entire life story for them leading up to the reason of why we think they're in the grocery store with 31 kids and a cart full of baking soda, milk, and diet Mt. Dew.

Or we just try to figure out how people even got together in the first place. That might sound rude, but...whatever. I'm sure there's people out there that probably look at us the same way.


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Whatever the case...we are best friends...so we are making this marriage thing work.

I just wish somebody would have told us what we were getting ourselves into!

Here's to about 80 more years together!!!

This article originally appeared on UnsolicitedTruth.com, a blog that Derrell co-authors with his wife, where they speak honestly about life, love, and mental health. You can connect with Derrell on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter!