02/26/2015 11:15 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

36 Ways You're Messing Up Your Child

Devorah Blachor

Let's take a moment to worry. Here's a helpful list of the things you're doing wrong as a parent:

1. You're messing up your kids with the foods you're giving them to eat.

2. You're messing up your kids with the foods you're not giving them to eat.

3. The power struggles between you and your kid over food are messing up your kid.

4. If you don't get your baby into a good sleep schedule, their sleep will be messed up for life. This makes you a douchebag.

5. If you let your baby cry it out, she'll carry that trauma forever. This really makes you a douchebag.

6. If you let your baby decide when she sleeps, she'll feel insecure because no responsible adult is setting meaningful limits in her life.

7. Baby should sleep in your bed if you want her to feel loved. You, however, don't need to sleep.

8. Baby should sleep next to your bed if you want to make sure she's safe.

9. Baby should sleep in a separate room if you want to make sure she becomes an independent person and gets into a good college.

10. Don't use a stroller. Baby needs to be close to Mama in an "ergonomic" organic carrier. Your back will recover in five years.

11. Bathe your child in paraben-free, SLS-free, soap-free liquid cleanser-like substance. Not too hot. Or cold. The water should be a little like baby bear's porridge.

12. BPA-free bottles only. Duh!

13. The way you're nursing is wrong and causing your baby to be colicky.

14. Bottle-feeding is causing your baby to be colicky. You should have breastfed.

15. Your anxiety is causing your baby to be colicky. Babies can sense these things! Why are you so nervous all the time?

16. You're over-stimulating and overscheduling your child.

17. You're neglecting your child and not exposing her to enough culture and activity.

18. You're not giving your child enough time and space to develop her imagination.

19. You're not letting your child take enough risks.

20. Your child is clearly in danger. What's the matter with you?

21. You're not letting your child get dirty.

22. Your child needs a bath.

23. You're not reading to your child enough.

24. You're not reading the right things to your child.

25. When you read to your child, your funny voices suck. Don't quit your day job.

26. You've totally mishandled that tantrum.

27. You've taught your child that bad behavior gets rewarded.

28. You've ignored that tantrum and taught your child that your love is conditional on good behavior.

29. You gave your child a time-out. What the f*ck is wrong with you?

30. You're a permissive, coddling, helicopter parent. Everyone hates you, including your child.

31. You are not leading by example.

32. You've said the exact wrong thing.

33. You put your child in day care.

34.Your child is too attached to you because you didn't send them to day care and you spend way too much time together.

35. Your child watches too much TV, which probably explains those tantrums.

36. Don't let your child sit in front of the computer, or else they'll start Googling stuff and figure out what a crappy parent you are.

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