THE BLOG
12/29/2014 10:58 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Mom Returns to Work

Lisa Waver
381 Shaky Lane
Inland, NY
911-911-9111


CONSULTANT

  • Nine-year record of middling functionality under extreme sleep deprivation
  • Known to staff as a dedicated and seasoned emotional dumping ground
  • Ornery multitasker

EXPERIENCE

Senior Consultant, 2006 to 2014, ABCDEFG COMPANY

  • Designed and created interactive infographic to measure performance of daily tasks and instituted intricate reward system based on sticker chart infographic completion
  • Maintained and organized daily calendar including scheduling, planning and Kafkaesque carpool travel arrangements
  • Negotiated favorable terms for procuring agreement to get dressed and out of the house
  • Demonstrated proficiency in conflict resolution among staff using empty threats within a high-pressure environment
  • Acquired extensive collection of yoga and pilates books, manuals and DVDs and later sold them, unopened, on eBay
  • Assessed edibility of food items left uncovered for more than six hours, particularly mac 'n' cheese

TRAINING

  • Completed advanced class of breathing techniques designed to mitigate extreme, unbearable pain
  • Assessed inadequacy of breathing techniques designed to mitigate extreme, unbearable pain
  • Mastered multitasking skills such as food consumption while driving, cooking, cleaning and exercising
  • Achieved basic first-aid proficiency after staff member swallowed a Tinkerbell magnet

TECHNOLOGY

  • Skilled at restoring computer to factory settings following unsupervised interferences
  • Excelled at establishing shortcuts for Purble Place
  • Adept at locating correct web addresses for videos when given minimal identifying prompts such as, "The funny one"
  • Successfully buried seven years of non-employment black hole at the bottom of this resume

AWARDS

  • Three-time recipient of mug confirming "World's Best" status
  • Two-time recipient of paperweight confirming "World's Best" status
  • One-time recipient of keychain confirming "World's Best" status

EDUCATION

  • What does it matter?

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