05/31/2012 04:50 pm ET Updated Jul 31, 2012

The Zombie Apocalypse vs. The Diamond Jubilee: Pick a Side

It's always comforting to awake on your futon, flip on the news, and hear about some dude eating another dude's face off in Florida or some mysterious flesh-eating bacteria making a smorgasbord of innocent Southerners. On the flipside, if you're a Princess or Elton John you probably awake in your plush canopied slumber chamber hearing things like, "Good morning to you, we have a dilemma. You must choose between the Chanel and the Yves Saint Laurent at once! The Diamond Jubilee is approaching." Both scenarios can be super stressful, depending on which type of bed you're used to.

Conspiracy theories are totally ridiculous... most of the time. Even before the Zombie mania (the real mania, not Hollywood mania) there were the airplane freak outs. It all started a while back with that red-headed Jet Blue guy swigging beers and sliding off the plane like a drunk character from the Banana Split gang. Pilots turned up drunk, crazy-eyed, or both. Passengers started losing their minds in the fuselage, and now it's pretty normal for a flight to endure a freak out. When this all started happening one word flashed through my normally conspiracy-free noggin: Aliens. Sure air travel sucks these days with the ten-dollar sandwiches and seats as roomy as the interior of an acorn, but something else was clearly going on. Aliens. Now, though, with all this flesh eating I'm second guessing my own well thought out conspiracy theory. Maybe it's not aliens! Maybe it's zombies. Or Zombie Aliens.

Right after the straight-faced news anchor said, "... and he did not stop chewing his face off..." they switched to another, more pleasant story. It's always good not to cause mass panic among the civilian class so a swift transition to lighter headlines is a surefire way to appease us. The next story was about the British Royals prepping for the big weekend -- The Diamond Jubilee! All is right in the world as long as the people in the castle are having fun and not canceling their soirees due to some silly apocalypse, don't you know? We can breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe we'll get eaten but there is some beauty left in the world, somewhere with topiaries and truffles.

This may seem totally unfair -- the Royals prep for The Diamond Jubilee while the rest of us stress about a Zombie Apocalypse. Typical. If you think about it though we normal people should feel thankful things like Diamond Jubilees exist! Who wants to think about that yucky stuff? Not me. I'd rather focus my attention on what a party like that must be like. Are there diamonds everywhere? Do they eat bespoke caviar and sip Dom Perignon lightly sprinkled with fairy dust rather than bath salts? Those are nice things to focus on, and we should all be so happy there are people experiencing these things so we can live vicariously. That's their gift to us.

So whether you're contemplating purchasing a hazmat suit from an underground Neocon site or a custom made Chanel ensemble from Paris, head into the weekend feeling assured that even though Zombies might be staking out your apartment building, somebody, somewhere is enjoying a garden party.