08/23/2012 10:58 am ET Updated Oct 23, 2012

Just Leaked: UK's Cable to Ecuador

Dear Ecuador,

We would like to admonish you for showing courage that is expected (only in principle) of a permanent member of the UN Security Council. We remain extremely concerned by your display of moral rectitude as it shows your poor understanding of modern-day statecraft and makes us look really bad.

Finesse has always been our forte as an empire. We like to make the U.S. government happy despite the fact that this makes us look like America's poodle. For this reason, even if we truly don't want to extradite Mr. Assange to Sweden (and then to the U.S.), we hope you understand our delicate situation as we protest and threaten you publicly.

We would also like to assert that all of what Mr. Assange exposed us and the U.S. as doing is morally justifiable. You just need to step into the shoes of a current or erstwhile superpower to appreciate the way we apply ethics to foreign civilian lives. Our underhanded diplomatic dealings and our war-crime-like conduct unveiled by Wikileaks are nothing but standard operating protocols observed by every professional bully.

We must end this missive with a stern warning: our bobbies from Scotland Yard and Prince William himself from the Royal Air Force would like nothing more than to swoop into your embassy to scoop out Mr. Assange to serve to America topped with Swedish cherries. As always, most of the courts will find that such an act did not violate any international law because it would have been done in the name of the Queen.

Yours truly,

The United Kingdom

P.S. It is unfortunate that you don't have large oil reserves or we could have made an exception. Here we must reiterate that we made no such exception for the Lockerbie bomber.

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