11/30/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Please Stop Following Me, Justin Timberlake

Oh dear. I am in a bit of quandary. My recent Twenanigans involving the "Twatif?" video has caused some viral video waves. Not that I mind the attention, I love it. I'm human. I'm a Leo. My mom says I kick ass. But, I am a tater tot compared to the entertainment royalty who recently started following me on twitter.

On Friday Sept 25th at 9:34 PM

@Jtimberlake is following @wiltonbound.

Consider pants crapped.

He has over 800,000 freakin' followers. He follows a mere 35. I mean before clicking my follow button, he was sportin' like a Jesus crew x2 . That's right, like most celeb's, he has a circle tighter than ant ass. There are like 23,000 followers for each friend he has on Twitter. The company I am keeping includes the likes of Snoop Dog, Taylor Swift and Oprah. Yeah, they're my peeps. And get this ... he followed me first.

Now the pressure is on. I need to kick it up a notch. Just one single Outa' SYNC post, I'm toast. (sorry, I had too work that in here)

So what's a wannabe funny guy to do? I mean. If I am truly Timberworthy, I need to make sure that I do this right. I need to make sure that my posts are within my assumption of his comedic and creative sensibilities. I can only imagine that he chose to keep an eye on my thoughts and ramblings because he see's value. That's what twitter is all about. Quick, digestible content that provides insight and value.

I need that. I have ADD, like most twitter freaks, I thrive on these little intellectual snacks and candy. And what if mine suck? The shame of being un-friended by JT would be like never getting my d**k out of the proverbial box.

So I spent the weekend tweetless. Oh...and I had a few doozies I wanted to share. How being of Irish and English descent proves to be double down genetic curse that rewards it's recipient with certain anatomical challenges where it counts the most (but provides a secondary recessive trait of tongue engorgement).

Now I have a pre-tweet thought that runs through my head every time I want to tweet. What would Jesu....I mean Justin do? I love the fact that he has done what he has done. How he integrates and remains true to his humor and his music while diluting neither. He is one talented b-boy and I love him for it. Can my tweets remain pure with that set of nuts hanging over my head? At this point, I don't think so. What can I do?

A friend suggested a new twitter handle specific for Justin friendly tweets. I suggested putting the meth pipe down. But @wiltonbound is me. DJ Edgerton, a Jersey bred, Pork Roll fed product of All Boys Catholic Education. If that's not the foundation for some crack-pot insight, I don't know what is. I need that release, that ability to immediately share my ramblings and observations with those peeps who care about what I'm saying whether it's funny or not. So JT, you are off my radar for the time being. I can't handle the pressure, I can't block you since you must have some deal with Twitter because that option is not available, not to mention it would be rude. I'm focusing on the "social" part of social media and you and I need to form a different sort of connection before I can show you the real @wiltonbound.

What do you do with that which you love? You set it free, it will return if it was meant to be. So I choose to release myself from this twitter coil.

I Respectfully request:


(Caps are for mere effect, I am not yelling here)

Of course, while I'm writing this I got an alert that my third favorite ex-Mousekeeter is hosting a golf event in Las Vegas next month. Hey Justin, I'm a 12 index, how about a fairway tweet-up?