01/07/2013 08:05 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Back in the Closet for World Peace

Now that the holidays are over, I have been putting careful thought into what I would like to do in 2013. Given that my sole wish for Christmas was for world peace, I have decided to make it a new year's resolution to take matters into my own hands and bring about peace on my own. I can achieve a pretty good measure of peace singlehandedly, and if others follow my example, we may be on our way to a more amicable future.

To begin, I can help bring about peace by dumping my partner of 17 years. You see, we are both men (we are gay!), and homosexuality makes many people angry and uncomfortable. If my partner and I are no longer a couple, then there is no chance of making anyone upset if we happen to go to the supermarket or to the movies. Without him I will walk around in public alone and therefore reduce the amount of hostility in the world. Get it? It will be difficult, and I will feel lonely, but when you think about it, it was selfish of me to fall in love with someone of the same gender in the first place. What is more important in the long run: my personal happiness or the well-being of society?

I must "defriend" my gay friends, too. If I am seen with any of them, it may cause unease for anyone who is homophobic. Oh, I apologize; I should not say "homophobic." The Associated Press has requested that we no longer use that word. In my effort to bring about accord, I do not want to antagonize the people at the AP, so let me rephrase that: I do not want to cause unease for "anyone who throws a hissy fit because homosexual people exist." That's better.

Let's see, what else can I do? I should probably limit my travel in the New Year. There are places in the world that have big, big problems with the gays: Uganda, the Vatican, even France! World travel is out. Come to think of it, travel within the United States is probably not the best idea, either. There is an abundance of states that have anti-gay sentiments written into their state constitutions! No more travel, period. I will remain at home.

There is one problem with staying home, though. I desire amity in my very own neighborhood, but my next-door neighbor does not want me talking to his two little boys. He has confused homosexuality with pedophilia. He has ordered his kids not to speak to me. This bothers me, but I will sacrifice my personal dignity for the good of the neighborhood. I will lock myself indoors so that those kids will never catch a glimpse of me. Actually, because all the rooms in my house have windows, I will confine my movement to the upstairs closet.

Oh, don't worry; it is a walk-in closet, so there is enough room for me to get a little exercise. This is another one of my new year's resolutions, to exercise more and lose a little weight, so it is a win-win! I will do push-ups and crunches, and I will order healthy foods from the Internet. I promise not to look at any gay porn while online, so as not to promote an industry and a "lifestyle" that might irritate others.

Now, if I do all this, it will eliminate any hostility from the homophob-- Oops! I meant "homo-distressed." I believe this is what they wanted all along, to have the gays of the world disappear from sight. My solution is extreme, but these social conservatives have not offered up any ideas as to what we gays are supposed to do as a result of their hatred toward us. If all other homosexuals out there followed suit and also shoved themselves back in their closets, world peace would be secured, right? Are you with me?