THE BLOG
05/30/2014 02:57 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Beware the 'Repressed Homosexual'!

Thank you, Fox News, for bringing light to a dark situation. In the wake of the horrible mass murders committed by a young man in a college town, Fox News has helped us make sense of this senseless situation by giving a forum for Dr. Robi Ludwig to express her smart, enlightening diagnosis of the killer. The disturbed young man, Elliot Rodger, expressed in a 140-page manifesto and numerous videos that he was enraged that women rejected him and that he could not fulfill his heterosexual desires. Luckily, Dr. Ludwig did not allow us to view the situation at face value. She let us see, in a much more sophisticated way, that Rodger was suffering from his inability to "fight his homosexual impulses."

This makes so much sense, does it not? Homosexuals are walking time bombs. If they do not act upon their "impulses," suppressed maniacal forces emerge, leading them to lash out and murder people in crazy, willy-nilly ways. But those homosexuals are damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they do not quash those wild impulses and, instead, act upon them, then the gays incur the wrath of God. They become responsible for the downfall of the European Union, the ruination of the United States, and well, the decline of Western civilization in general. Fox News has been building this narrative for some time now, and I, for one, am thankful.

Fox News has a special way of making anything that is seemingly complex so much simpler to understand. If you watch enough Fox News, you do not have to think at all. An expert (or "expert") will interpret current situations for you in quick, 30-second sound bites. That is what busy people need. Why bother taking the time to think for yourself when you can have a highly qualified commentator do it for you? My brain could have hurt terribly pondering the psychology of that killer. Luckily, it was Dr. Ludwig to the rescue! Before I could feel sorry for the victims or the families of the victims in this unfortunate circumstance, I was awash in hatred for the homosexuals instead. This is a much healthier way to get through yet another mass attack in our country. All those states allowing gay marriage are clearly ruining everything.

Coldwell Banker has since dropped Dr. Ludwig as their lifestyle real estate correspondent because of her comments. I do not know what a lifestyle real estate correspondent is, but it sounds trendy and glamorous, and it is a shame that Coldwell Banker got rid of her. She has since apologized, letting us know that she was "misunderstood" on Fox News. Why is this necessary? She should not be ashamed. She was a beacon of light during the coverage of that horrible rampage. Robi Ludwig kept Americans from having to think about gun control or aggressive misogyny. Instead, she let us focus on hating the gays. That is so much easier.

Um, well, truth be told, I am one of these ruinous homosexuals myself. But it is OK because I am full of self-loathing. I live in Pennsylvania, and my marriage is now legal -- O.M.G.! I am undermining all those heterosexual marriages in my state and, therefore, participating in the decline of our society. No wonder people hate me. Fox News is doing a great service to this country by putting me, and other gays like me, in my place. It is so refreshing to have an honest voice such as Dr. Ludwig's diagnosing a patient she never met. Fox News has diverted the nation's attention to things way more important, like the fall of Western civilization due to evil homosexuality. I doubt if I have any murderous tendencies bottled up inside me, but Dr. Ludwig has made me fear myself in a dark alley. And that is the way it should be, because this is America. Fox News' America, that is.