02/21/2012 04:09 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

The Ombudsman of My Dreams

I am a gay man, and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is making my dreams come true. You see, I am not one of those sentimental homosexuals who dream of splashy, tacky, gay weddings. As if he could read my mind, Governor Christie vetoed same-sex marriage this past week and offered up the idea of creating an ombudsman for gay people instead. That is exactly what I have always wanted: my very own ombudsman! I do not want a groom; I want an ombudsman! If the legal system will not treat me equally, it would be nice to have someone who will fight for me to be equal anyway.

Governor Christie seems to understand that I would never want to walk down the aisle and profess my love to some homosexual in front of friends and family. Who needs that? Why parade my same-sex perversion for everyone to see? Better to keep it illegal. We should not offend the sanctity of heterosexual coupling. Those straights obviously have a divine right to legal recognition in the United States, not I and my gay homosexual lover.

When I was a boy, I always hoped that one day I would meet an ombudsman, someone who would stand up for me against all the bullies. I would daydream in school, drawing hearts and scribbling "Dom & Om 4EVA" in pink ink inside my notebooks. I fantasized that he would have a name that oozed with fairness and impartiality, something like Jack or Dennis or Chad. My pet name for him would be Buddy. He wouldn't have to love me, and he wouldn't necessarily have to be handsome (although that would be a plus); he would just have to see me as an equal under the law and be ready to fight for me when things got tough.

I do not live in New Jersey, but I know that Governor Christie's leadership on this issue is going to spread. I live in a state that borders New Jersey and already bars me from getting married, so, luckily, we will not have to deal with the hassle of taking away my rights. Maybe my Pennsylvania governor will be inspired by this daring New Jersey governor and will create an ombudsman position right here in my state! (By the way, I am also hopeful that Governor Corbett will follow Governor Christie's lead and will have flags lowered for Whitney Houston in Pennsylvania, too. I am pretty sure that she stopped at a rest stop here once, so it is justifiable.)

Thank you, Chris Christie. You are a true leader who sees a new, shining future for America's homosexuals. Despite all the hoopla about same-sex marriage, the truth is that we gays really do not care about all that. The real reason that we have been complaining about getting equal treatment under the law is that we wanted our very own ombudsman. Hooray! Someone is finally listening and responding to our needs!