06/01/2012 06:42 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

God Hates Clams!

My fellow congregants:

I stand before you today an angry man! I am hoppin' mad cuz a legion of sinners is pushin' a liberal agenda that will be the ruination of us all. You know what I am talkin' about, don't ya?! Eating shellfish! Yes! These evildoers want us to consume shellfish when our Lord has clearly forbidden it! It is an abomination, yet restaurants all over the country are servin' up clams casino, lobster bisque, and shrimp scampi like it is normal or somethin'! It makes me pukin' sick to think of it!

Don't be led down the wrong path. This perverted eatin' is nothin' more than accepting a lie for the truth. We, the good people of Big Old Testament Church, or BigOTs, we know our Bible! Leviticus says that "whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales... they are detestable things to you." If we let people start eatin' shellfish, where will it stop? The next thing you know, people will be eatin' the Eiffel Tower, or eatin' three foods at the same time, or something else equally heretical-like. These people are waging a war on traditional food! I call this religious intolerance, is what I call it!

I'm gonna tell you what we gotta do! Build a great, big, huge, giant electrified fence that is 600 miles long and 8 feet wide. Put all the male shellfish eaters in there, plus all the male lobsters, oysters, and other wretched, vile shellfish. Then, inside a separate fence, throw in the lady versions of the same. Wrap the fences in giant fishnets, just for the symbolism. And you know what will happen?! It will stink to high heaven, because shellfish rot on dry land! And they will die off, because they cannot reproduce! This is what God wants! This is what we loving BigOTs must do to make our world what it was meant to be!

Our great nation was founded on meat. We all know that when God created the United States, he wanted us eatin' Big Macs and Whoppers. Don't let these activist judges and Joe's Crab Shacks try to pervert a 3,000-year-old tradition of eatin' prime American beef!

President Obama is to blame for this here situation. He gives a thumbs-up to this kind of sick behavior! That man is a socialist Muslim who was born in Kenya! How would he know what our good Lord intended Americans to eat?! And don't you let his wife fool you, neither! She's pushing "good eating" and "gardening," but what she is really doing is indoctrinating our children into experimentin' with shellfish! She's foolin' you into thinkin' those kids are nibblin' on carrots, but really they is chowin' down on elitist snails and mussels!

Spread the word! My good people, you have already done a bang-up job of condemnin' a whole host of abominations like bowl haircuts, pork eaters, queers, polyester, tattoos, men who shave, women who menstruate. Keep on course! God hates clams! No tears for scallops! Praise Jesus!

Let us not stop here! If God wants us to avoid shellfish, show your love for Him by abstainin' from all fish all the time! Now that's Christian! Our youngest churchgoer, 3-year-old Levi Goodboy, wrote a song all by his lonesome about this very subject. He calls it "Ain't No Nemos Gonna Make It to Heaven." This adorable angel promises to sing his little ditty once we all get back from our protest at the Red Lobster on Route 687 later this afternoon.

Praise the Lord. Amen.