11/16/2012 03:51 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Hey, Mr. Obama, Where's My Gift?

I figured out why Michelle Obama wore the same dress for a second time on election night. At the time it seemed as if she were making a big fashion faux pas. But, oh, that poor woman! The truth is that she did not have time to think about what she was wearing. No! She was too busy wrapping those gifts! You know the gifts I mean. Apparently, Mr. Obama had used a "gifts-for-votes" tactic to get elected (thanks to Mitt Romney for this info), and Michelle must have been the one responsible for getting those presents ready for delivery. I am pretty sure that Sasha and Malia had to do their fair share of gift wrapping that night, too. No wonder they did not appear until almost 2 in the morning when the president gave his victory speech. They had been up half the night, probably sequestered in the Lincoln bedroom, with literally millions of gifts to wrap!

Mr. Romney revealed that Mr. Obama promised gifts to the African-American community, the Hispanic community and young people to ensure their votes. But I voted for Mr. Obama, and so did a lot of other gays, and we deserve something, too! Reports claim that LGBT voters may have been a decisive force in tipping the election in Mr. Obama's favor, so I am hoping we get something really good.

I do not know what the others have received, but Mr. Romney claims that Mr. Obama was "very generous" in what he gave to "those groups." I have black and Latino friends, and I even know some young people, but they have all been pretty mum about the whole thing. In fact, I do not recall any of them mentioning anything about any gifts this entire election season. Perhaps Michelle had slipped a note into each of their gift boxes? Something like, "This is just between us! Thanks for backing Barack, but remember: Loose lips sink ships!" If this is true, then Mr. Romney has spilled the beans. But that is probably good for the rest of us, because we now know that if we voted for Mr. Obama, we should demand our rewards.

I am thinking that a trip to Paris or an island might be nice. Well, wait, this was for an American election, so I guess we should try to keep the gift within American borders. How about San Francisco? Or Hawaii! I have some free time in March, if airplane tickets are included. If a vacation is asking for a little too much, my partner and I would settle for some nice, tasteful kitchen items. We are remodeling in a sort of seafoam/cyan color scheme, so anything thoughtful that might match would be a welcome gift.

And, hey, listen, Mr. Obama: I realize that Sasha and Malia are back at school, and that Michelle probably has some more pressing matters to attend to this week, so there is no great rush. Maybe you could all take a little time when the kids are off for Thanksgiving break to attend to some more wrapping. Actually, my birthday is in December, so you could wait another few weeks, to coincide with that.

Wow, this election was a real win-win. Mr. Obama got my vote and won the election, and I will get a gift in return! Because, really, all I care about is instant gratification and myself. And, according to Mr. Romney, there are a lot of people just like me who do not really think about others or the country as a whole. We obviously voted for Mr. Obama for what we personally would get in return. If only Mr. Romney had realized this sooner! If he had just promised me that trip to Paris, I definitely would have voted Republican this election.