03/27/2012 01:20 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Kirk Cameron Loves Me!

I feel so warm and fuzzy inside: 1980s heartthrob Kirk Cameron has declared his love for me! And guess what?! He loves you, too! No, really! He said so on national television! He said that it is his "life's mission to love all people," and that includes you and me!

This may come as a surprise to you, especially if you are gay like me. A few weeks ago, Kirky (my pet name for him) said that homosexuality was "unnatural" and "detrimental" and "ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization." Now, those words might be hurtful to you, and it might appear that Kirky is intolerant, but that is apparently not so. You see, Kirky is a model "Bible-believing Christian," and he softens the blow of his words by reminding us that he loves us. I have put this idea into practice and it works:

"Kirk Cameron's comments are unctuous, ignorant, and divisive. His views are dismissive of an entire segment of society. But I love him so much. I really, really, really do."

I like this brand of Christianity! You can (in gay parlance) "read someone for filth" and then negate the whole statement by declaring your love.

Kirky is so inspirational that I decided to open up my Bible to find Jesus' teachings on this subject. However, I must confess to a little confusion here. Maybe Kirky is reading a different Bible or something, but I could not find any passage related to this topic. I did read the "love your enemies" part, but where exactly is the section about saying mean and hurtful things and then negating the statements in an oily way?

Kirky is offended that people are outraged by his statements. He said, "I should be able to express moral views on social issues ... without being slandered, accused of hate speech, and told from those who preach 'tolerance' that I need to either bend my beliefs to their moral standards." Hmm, that is a little confusing, too. Kirky is doing a lot of judging, and then he is appalled by the backlash? Jesus said, "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get." Maybe he forgot to read that part? No, that cannot be. After all, he is a model Christian, as he keeps reminding us over and over again. It must be my misinterpretation. I had thought words like "detrimental" and "destructive" carried judgment, but -- that's right! -- they are words of love coming from a true Christian!

Jesus also said, "Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven." This makes me a little nervous, because I love my Kirky so so much. Since he is a one-man pious parade lately, will he receive no reward from God? Wait, I must be misinterpreting that Bible passage, too, because I just know in my heart that Kirky would never do anything that went against Jesus' teaching. He is not "practicing his piety before men," right? He is merely teaching us all how "to debate these things with greater love and respect."

I respect being told I am "unnatural," I really do. I feel the love. Don't you?