08/15/2012 11:28 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016


Forget McDreamy and McSteamy. Mitt Romney has introduced America to its latest heartthrob: McVeepy. Paul Ryan, Mr. Romney's pick for a vice presidential running mate, is absolutely yummy. He has bedroom eyes and good hair. I assume Romney, wanting to secure the gay vote, chose Ryan because of his boyish good looks. He knows we gay Americans value style over substance, right? McVeepy's dreaminess will undoubtedly attract the gays. Otherwise, McVeepy does not add anything to the ticket to get our votes.

If McVeepy gets elected and helps swing our country to the far right, my chances of marrying my partner will be greatly diminished. And, judging by McVeepy's prior voting record, I may not be able to adopt children, either. I could lose my job because I am gay. And, well, maybe if they succeed in turning the clock all the way back, gays serving openly in the military will be out of the question, too. But I am ignoring all that, because the thought of four years of looking into those dreamy blue eyes is enough for this gay voter. Who needs rights? When he says "I don't know why we are spending all this time talking about this" in reference to my rights, I know he is just playing hard-to-get. He is flirting with us gays, I am sure of it. It is difficult for me to hear the hurtful words coming from his mouth because I keep fantasizing about running my hands through that widow's peak of thick, gorgeous hair. As a die-hard liberal, it is hard to give in to Romney's masterful gay strategy, but I am weak in the knees. I just cannot help myself.

Romney is no dope. He knows McVeepy will attract straight female voters, too. McVeepy's staunchly conservative views on reproductive rights might give women pause, but his masculine good looks will distract them. If the female population is harmed particularly by McVeepy's plans to dismantle Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare, women will not notice. Women, like gays, do not care about rights, right? Just give 'em a pretty face and they will forgive just about anything -- even that crazy fetal personhood bill!

Mitt Romney is a handsome man himself, so he knows what he is doing. It is downright adorable how Romney and McVeepy wear matching outfits. One day they are in plaid together, the next day they are sporting complementary blue shirts. They are straight out of an L.L. Bean catalogue, those two! They make me want to vote for them and order up my own Wrinkle-Resistant Pinpoint Oxford Shirt in periwinkle. Appearance is everything! Who wouldn't want the kind of dapper, aristocratic leadership that the Romney/McVeepy ticket promises? When I see the two of these men together, I am hypnotized. I instantly forget all of Romney's buffoonery abroad these last few weeks and all of Ryan's ultraconservatism. And that is what the Romney campaign is banking on, isn't it? This must be true, because otherwise the absolute disaster of this ticket does not make much sense to this voter.