03/06/2013 12:19 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

My Unhealthy Sexual Addiction

My name is Domenick, and I have an unhealthy sexual addiction. Wow, that was hard to say. Whew! It feels so good to get that off my chest! I sure am glad to be able to join you all here at H.A. in order to gain support to overcome my addiction. Homosexuals Anonymous is not a group I would have thought to join in the past. You see, I am not exactly anonymous; most people would consider me a big, flaming homo. But after Minnesota State Rep. Glenn Gruenhagen helped me see the light and understand that homosexuality is in fact an unhealthy sexual addiction, well, I thought it was probably best for me to shove myself back in the closet and seek help here at H.A. with you all.

I had always thought that I was born gay and that my gayness was just part of my natural self. Oh, how wrong I was! I never once looked at the real science behind the matter. But, luckily, Mr. Gruenhagen did his homework, and he learned all that science stuff real good. He opened my eyes by saying that "the concept that you're born that way and it's an immutable characteristic is an unscientific lie, OK?" He runs a small insurance and financial services firm, so I trust his scientific know-how. He says that the the human genome was mapped years ago and that there is no gay gene. Gay people are not natural and do not really exist! I see now that this is an indisputable fact -- and it just blows my mind! I have been so ignorant!

I have to read up on that human genome thing. I assume that they found a Republican gene and maybe a Christian gene? We have laws that protect rights for those traits, so they must be immutable, yes? It is all so confusing. But Mr. Gruenhagen's reasoned, educated argument on this subject is so convincing that I probably shouldn't ask too many questions. I must accept the fact that I am a disgusting sexual pervert/addict.

It will be a tough road to overcome this addiction. I hope one of you will be willing to be my sponsor to help me through the tough times. I may need help 24/7. What if I read a magazine and see an underwear ad with David Beckham in it? My addiction makes me think that it would be damn near impossible not to be gay at a moment like that. Someone is going to have to talk me off that ledge and teach me how to turn the page. What if I am flipping through TV channels and RuPaul's Drag Race is on? Can someone convince me to change to a more manly show like Monday Night Football or Duck Dynasty?

Oh, why did my friends and family never stage an intervention before my addiction escalated to these epic proportions? My god! I am so gay now that my last Christmas tree had a Judy Garland garland. I am so gay that I bedazzled my dog's flea collar. I am so gay that the mere mention of a Glee marathon brings me to orgasm. This could have been prevented, people! Oh, if only my loved ones had sat me down and read tearful, carefully composed letters explaining how my addiction has ruined their lives. "Domenick, your gaiety is unhealthy," they might have cried. "Where is the tough, heterosexual, Tonka Truck-loving boy we once loved? We want him back!" Haven't they ever seen that show Intervention? This might have saved years of heartache!

I want to be healthy again. Thank you for letting me share.