03/20/2014 04:38 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Stop Harassing the Bullies!

In North Carolina this past week, a boy was banned from carrying a My Little Pony bag because it was a trigger for his bullies to continue bullying him. In Arkansas, a story of a gay high school student was removed from a yearbook because the principal was concerned for his "well-being" if the story was published.

These boys in North Carolina and Arkansas are clearly harassing their bullies. One boy is parading around with a "girly" bag, while the other has the audacity to be openly gay. This is torturous for bullies. With triggers like these out in the open, the bullies are unfairly distracted from receiving a proper education.

The persecution of bullies must be stopped immediately. Removing triggers and other diversions is necessary to erase the need for bullies to bully. Employing the logic of the officials in these North Carolina and Arkansas schools, I propose these guidelines to end the torments facing today's bullies:

Please adhere to the following rules to keep our schools safe

Boys who are smaller than their male classmates must not bring lunch money to school. If bullies are aware that the boys are carrying cash, there will be a strong need to push the scrawny boys into lockers to demand the money. We do not want our bullies to be beleaguered with this inner turmoil. Puny boys must do without lunch.

Students who wear eyeglasses must refrain from bringing their glasses to school. If glasses are worn, bullies will be provoked to yell "four eyes!" and to knock the glasses off the students' faces. This kind of needless provocation will not be tolerated.

Children who wear braces on their teeth will not be granted permission to enter schools. They may return when their teeth are straightened.

Boys must not wear pink clothes. Or pastel clothes. Or bow ties.

Boys must not carry My Little Pony bags, backpacks, pencils, book covers or anything else with a pony on it.

Girls must not wear skirts that are above the knee. To be safe, girls should not wear skirts at all. However, girls must be careful that their appearances are not deemed "manly" by the student population, as this may cause a different kind of trigger.

Girls must not wear pigtails or ponytails or any other tempting pull-able hairstyles.

Children with lisps or other speech impediments may not speak.

No pigtails. No lisps. Therefore, Cindy Brady will not be tolerated on school premises.

Students who are part of a racial or religious minority must use separate hallways, bathrooms and water fountains as to avoid any contact with those who might want to taunt them.

Foreign-born students who have accents or who "talk funny" must learn to speak American.

Students with physical disabilities must hide or disguise their disabilities from the other students. Similarly, wheelchairs, hearing aids and other devices used by these students are no longer permitted.

Boys are not permitted to have nerdy names like Eugene, Milton, Melvin, Dilbert and the like. Boys are not permitted to have girly names like Leslie, Whitney, Kelly or Jody. Girls must avoid names such as Gertrude, Bertha, Ethel or Martha. If children have been stuck with unfortunate names by their parents at birth, they are required to make their names more acceptable and less open to ridicule from the other students.

Students with an interest in drama, art or music are encouraged to apply their energies into sports. Drama clubs, glee clubs and other "artsy" activities must be dissolved.

If a student consistently receives an A+ or an A on tests and quizzes, he or she is required to fail at least one exam each semester. Our bullies will feel much more comfortable in an environment where superior academic achievement is not rewarded.

In gym class, if a boy throws like a girl, it is required that he learn how to throw like a boy before returning to class. There is zero tolerance for girly throwing.

Shy or soft-spoken children are prohibited.

"Short" buses are banned. Only buses that are regulation size will be used to transport students.

For their own safety, gay students must be home-schooled and must not leave their houses under any circumstances.

Please follow these simple rules and, with your cooperation,
our bullies can receive the focused education they deserve without distractions!