09/04/2012 06:34 pm ET Updated Nov 04, 2012

Stop the Heterosexual Agenda!

"Just stay quiet and live your life," stated a Florida delegate at the Republican National Convention in an interview with HuffPost Gay Voices editor-at-large Michelangelo Signorile. She was referring, of course, to the "gay issues" that she wished everyone would just stop talking about. This seems to be the sentiment of the Republican Party this election year. Republicans do not want to sound intolerant to the general electorate, so it is helpful to them if we gays do not force dialogue about anything gay this year.

I would like to offer a deal to the GOP. I am speaking unofficially for all gay Americans here when I say that we will stop talking about gay issues when you stop talking about straight issues. OK? We gays do not want to be reminded of your Republican heterosexuality any more than you want to be bothered with our homosexuality.

Here are a few things that the GOP needs to do to hold up their end of the bargain:

  • First, you must remove Ann Romney and Janna Ryan from the campaign trail. Wives are a constant reminder of the politicians' blatant heterosexuality and have absolutely no place in the political arena. Mrs. Romney's RNC speech was all about hetero "love," for goodness' sake!
  • Do not parade the candidates' children in front of crowds, either. If marriage is solely for procreation, as conservatives and Republicans have stated many times, then the children who were conceived in your marriages are walking symbols of coitus. Tagg, Josh, Craig, Matt, and Ben are five walking results of their parents' sex acts. And the Ryans have three more sex reminders that they are trying to push on America, too. It is disgusting for these politicians to parade the fruits of their carnal heterosexuality to throngs of people like they do! Did you forget that there may be small children watching this smut?!
  • You must stop talking about marriage so much: "real marriage," "traditional marriage," "the institution of marriage," and so forth. I might learn to tolerate your heterosexuality someday, but I do not want it in my face all the time, so cut it out.
  • While you are at it, can you please stop the pervasive heterosexual media from focusing on straight couples? Tom and Katie, Brad and Angelina, William and Kate, Jennifer Aniston and that new guy... enough already! Just thinking about all the hetero sex these people have had, are having, will have -- it is enough to make my head pop!
  • Speaking of celebrities, you should not allow that avowed heterosexual Clint Eastwood to speak for the Republican Party at any future events. Wait... what? You already cancelled his future appearances? Oh, OK.
  • The GOP's talk of rape and abortion should be swept under the rug, too. That will make things so much more comfortable for everyone, don't you think? Talking about things that are complicated and involve empathy is not really the GOP's strong suit, now is it?
  • The GOP should rethink some of its song choices. For instance, when Mrs. Romney finished her speech at the RNC, "My Girl" was played. "My Girl"?! The title itself reeks of heterosexuality. "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day / What can make me feel this way? / My girl." Ugh! "Feel" this way? "Feel"? That just conjures up all kinds of ugly heterosexual acts in my mind. How dare you air that on prime time television?!

So, do we have a deal? Stop pushing your heterosexual agenda on us, and we will keep mum about our little "gay issues," I promise. Please, just stay quiet about your heterosexuality and live your lives. All you have to do is deny your spouses, your families, and your friends, plus ignore your interests, passions, and entertainments. Do you think you can do that?