11/10/2014 08:33 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Which Internet Quiz Are You?


In a month's time, I will be 50 years old. At this point in my life, I have a strong sense of self and am comfortable in my own skin. However, my Facebook friends believe that I still need help forging my identity. Each day, they crowd my newsfeed with encouragement to take internet quizzes. Which of the Golden Girls Are You? - that kind of quiz.

I know myself well. If I were a Golden Girl, I would be Dorothy. But, with the barrage of quizzes facing me every morning, I finally gave in. I took every quiz that popped up on my feed one day. If my friends want me to know what donut or punk icon I am, then who am I to refuse?

These tests are all basically the same. You answer ten questions and - voila! - your result pops up, usually with a sentence or two explaining the answer in more detail. Oddly, the questions all sound like other quizzes: Which of these colors do you like best? Which word best describes your personality? Who is your ideal mate? If I know the answers to these questions, logic would dictate that I would know the answer to the stupid quiz in the first place. But I quibble.

I dutifully answered all the questions. Here are the results:

  • How old do I act? The answer is 24. Surprising, considering I am 49. No wonder I am exhausted and achy all the time.
  • Am I Democratic or Republican? According to this quiz, I am 80% Democrat and 20% Republican. I have to check my Voter ID card again. I did not know you could have percentages when registering.
  • Which saint is protecting me? Francis of Assisi. This answer is followed by a curious statement: "His control over nature and all terrestrial things is impersonated in you and makes you shine in his glory." Control over nature and terrestrial things are impersonated in me? What does that mean?
  • Am I a dog person or a cat person? I am 50% a dog person and 50% a cat person. This cannot be correct. I have four dogs and three cats. The ratio is off.
  • Am I in touch with what the kids are doing these days? Final score: 70% "Your cool factor with today's youths is trending upwards." Well, that's good to know. I am a college professor, so I do not want to seem too out of touch with those "kids."
  • What State Do I Actually Belong In? I got: New Hampshire. I have never been to New Hampshire. Perhaps I should check it out. I am approaching 50 and I have been living in the wrong state all these years. Yikes.
  • Which Disney Princess Am I? Cinderella. This result also stated, "Most likely you were valedictorian of your class." Cinderella was the valedictorian of her class? Huh?
  • What Career Should I Actually Have? I got: Writer. I like this answer. Maybe I can quit my job as a college professor and work full-time at the Huffington Post? Editors, are you taking note?
  • When will I die? "You have 33 years left to live. You will die in 2047 at age 82. You have lived 60% of your life already." I should not have taken this particular quiz so close to a big birthday.
  • Who Was My Boyfriend in My Past Life? Carry Grant. Not Cary Grant. Carry Grant.
  • What is my personality type? Caregiver. True. I do take care of all those dogs and cats after all.
  • Which punk icon am I? Patti Smith. I'll take that.
  • Which classic children's book describes my life? The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. That's a good book. But my favorite book of all time is Where the Wild Things Are and I am a huge Maurice Sendak fan, so I am disappointed.
  • Which dwarf am I? Happy. My husband might disagree with this assessment.
  • Which donut am I? Powdered Sugar Plain Cake Donut. That's boring.
  • Which "Golden Girl" Am I? Dorothy. Ha - told you!

What have I learned about myself after taking all these quizzes? Mostly that I do not enjoy taking internet quizzes.