10/10/2014 11:50 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

'Will You Pairy Me?'

lisafx via Getty Images

Utah State Rep. Kraig Powell (R-Heber City) is proposing innovative legislation in his state:

I have come up with a word we probably can use and see if the courts will accept. I call it "pairage." This would essentially be legal recognition of same-sex relationships. ... We call this pairage, the same-sex legal relationship between partners is called pairage. The legal relationship between opposite sex partners is called marriage.

Mr. Powell is really onto something here. "Pairage" is a word usually reserved for socks or gloves or other objects with mates. Attaching it to complex human relationships is genius, really. There are many conservatives who are not comfortable with the gays demanding a redefinition of the institution of marriage, so create a new institution with a new word and -- poof! -- the problems and thorny legal issues simply disappear!

But why stop there? Let's change the lexicon completely -- a separate-but-equal lexicon!

Since gay people are out of the closet, we should refer to the institution of marriage as the "outstitution of pairage." When a man asks another man for his hand in pairage, they will become "mengaged." After they are pairied, they can go off on their "honeymo." Isn't it "homoromantic"?!

I was married in Pennsylvania last year. ("Married" -- that sounds so archaic now!) To be current, I will refer to my husband as my "husbandit." The title is different enough to assuage the fears of conservatives, yet similar enough to the original word to keep me happy. "Husbandit" -- the word is adorable! Everybody wins! Wait, maybe we shouldn't say that my "husbandit" and I "win." Rather, we should say that, in the case of our pairage, everybody "twins"!

Homosexuality causes problems in other areas, so maybe we can resolve conflict by changing more words here and there. The sports world was in turmoil recently when openly gay football player Michael Sam was drafted by an NFL team. I propose that when Mr. Sam plays a game in the future, we call it a "gayme." The other players are still playing a "game," but Mr. Sam's participation will be more acceptable if we make the distinction. It is different because he is gay. Right?

The prejudice and discrimination I experience as a gay man might be eliminated if I make a few simple adjustments to words I use in my everyday life. Here are some more examples:

  • When I go to a restaurant, instead of ordering a T-bone steak, I will order an "LGBT-bone" steak. With a baked "homotato." For dessert I will have the apple pie à la "mo."
  • If I take a bus, it is no longer public transportation for me. I will ride public "transsexualportation" -- or public "transporgaytion."
  • At the airport I can pick up my baggage in the designated "faggage claim" area.
  • When I travel in the United States, I will change the names of the states that I visit: "Oklahomo," "Mohio," "New Jersissy," and so on.
  • If I get sick, I will see a "queer, nose and throat" specialist.
  • I will celebrate "holigays," not holidays: "New Queer's Eve," "Menmorial Day," "Outdependence Day," "Halloweenie," "Thanksgayving."

The possibilities are endless.

Mr. Powell's ideas do not have to be limited to the gay community. Straight people might benefit, as well. When two heterosexuals marry for the first time, we must continue to reserve the word "marriage" for that union. But if it is a second marriage, we could refer to that as a "tworriage." A third would be a "triorriage." Your eighth marriage? An "octarriage," of course.

Mr. Powell's logic is hard to dispute. His simple suggestion can erase confusion and eliminate legal problems. It is revolutionary! No, it is "revolutionpairy"!