02/08/2008 04:12 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

My Jewish Achilles Whore

Sarah Silverman: Why did that acid-tongued pisher with a guitar pick have to ruin it for the rest of us? Like the Jewish singles crisis in America wasn't bad enough already.

For a week now, all I hear at singles' events are two things: "Those don't quite look like birthing hips to me" and "how hot is Sarah Silverman?"

Sure, she's smokin', alright. She smoked any chance of my landing a Jewish guy as long as she insists on flaunting her f--king escapades. This, the first ever documented case of a sexually-liberated Jewess, is already taking a mighty toll on Jewish birth rates, say demographers cursing her curious comeliness. No half-hearted Jewish guy is willfully going back to the eager, if not steadfast, single Jewess now while there's a woman out there so sexually explicit she makes Paris Hilton seem downright prudish.

Just when it seemed like we were making stratospheric strides in the world of Jewish dating, she had to up the ante - completely edging us out of the running. Sure, we're still thinner, we're docile, we'll let a guy mold us into anything he wants us to be - but apparently our pliable personalities aren't enough. Is it possible that we've become complacent? That we've worked so hard at being thin that we didn't think we needed a personality too?

Regardless, she's become the new dark horse in the dating race - the Jewish sex symbol with a f--king mystique all her own and we have all the mystique of shoe polish. Her personality's like sandpaper while we're steeped in social comportment - and they'll still run to take her home to Mom.

She's the Jewish boy's Holy Grail with a guitar. Every Jewess wants to be her, and every guy - including, as we've recently learned, Matt Damon - wants to f--k her. She's poised to poach all of our good men and all but decimate our numbers.

So why is that Jewish guys set their sights on this self-professed porcupine with a shayna punim only a Kimmel could love? Because she's the Jewess just out of reach enough to covet. She's not just one of the boys, she's outsmarted him. Not timidly clutching her pearls during sex, she's clutching a camera. She brazenly struts her stubbly stuff on national TV - and otherwise freakishly perfectionist nebbishes can't get enough of it.

Icons like Babs we've been able to compete with. But this gleefully self-deprecating, Matt Damon-f--king jezebel has single-handedly ruined it for the rest of the Jewesses trying to land our own Matt Damon, our own dream.

The rest of us are plodding along our way, earnestly trying to turn the heads of the already tribally disenchanted. Then, all of a sudden, like an actualization from every Jewish boy's summer camp wet dream, a Jewess with a guitar pick as sharp as her tongue graphically and squalidly entices the Jewish boys who were thisclose to resigning themselves to settling down with one of us.

How do you compete with that?

Sarah Silverman is my personal Achilles slut of Jewish dating and every Jewish guy wants one of his own.

On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door, Sarah Silverman will forever be my Jewish Achilles Whore.