01/18/2015 03:40 pm ET Updated Mar 20, 2015

Romney: 'A Tide to Lift All Yachts'

Addressing a gathering of indigent CEOs, down-and-out plutocrats and destitute Republican dignitaries on Friday, Romney promised that, if elected this time, he would lift them out of poverty.

"It's a tragedy, a human tragedy, that corporations -- and corporations are people, my friends -- by and large don't believe that the future will be better than the past," he says. "We haven't seen rising profits over decades."

"The rich have gotten poorer, income equality has gotten worse and there are more corporations -- and I say again, corporations are people, too -- in poverty than ever before under this president," Romney says, wiping a tear from his eye.

"To those who are concerned about the 47 percent -- the folks who don't take personal responsibility and care for their lives -- I say raising profits and restoring wealth will be good for them, too, as everything wealthy people and corporations earn ultimately goes to these people. You know what they say, a rising tide lifts all boats." With a wink-wink that would make Sarah Palin proud, he adds, "especially our yachts."

"But I am mostly concerned about you, the backbone of America that this President has nearly broken. Under a Romney presidency we will eliminate both corporate poverty and income equality and America will rise again," Romney says as thunderous applause reverberates below decks of the aircraft carrier in San Diego where he is speaking.

After graciously accepting the applause, Romney says, "Finally, to those who claim I have no idea of how the rest of America lives, let me just say..." and he starts humming, "I have been a pastor, a pauper..." Quickly recovering, he continues, "I have been a fisherman, I have paved roads, I have picked up garbage, worked in a daycare center, sold sausages, even flown Southwest -- coach, mind you." In perfect Spanish he adds "Una vez yo comí uno de esos 'jalapeño chicken sandwiches' de Carlos junior. Delicioso!"

A reinvented and reinvigorated Mitt Romney concludes, repressing his humming instincts,"Yes, I have been up and down and over and out, but I know one thing, with your support I am back in the race and together we will eradicate our poverty and restore this great country to its pre-Obama glory -- and wealth."

CODA: For photographic proof of Mr. Romney's past employments, please go here.