02/20/2013 11:30 am ET Updated Apr 22, 2013

Hell Cruise

"Hell Cruise."

That's what the TV news anchors are calling the ill-fated voyage of Carnival Cruise Lines' Triumph. Sailors consider it bad luck to rename a ship, so Carnival is probably stuck with the hideous irony of this particular ship's name.

But you know, company names matter. And Carnival might want to rethink theirs. It was always a dicey sobriquet: After Freaks and Carnival of Souls and Something Wicked This Way Comes, you'd think a cruise line named "Carnival" would serve as the direst sort of warning, to never let them whisk you away from land to spend four days utterly at their mercy.

The only worse omen would be an evil clown as company logo.

But the Triumph has finally reached the dock in Alabama after a hideous ordeal, after which even Alabama looked good.

And now the big compensation offer from Carnival: $500 for their trouble.

Plus, another Carnival cruise. That's not compensation, that's a threat.

What kind of trip could possibly erase the memories of this voyage of the damned? I'd be terrified every time the band struck up a tune, that it would be "Nearer, My God, To Thee."

Or else, that they might rock out with this Frankie Ford oldie, with amended lyrics:
(apologies to Huey "Piano" Smith.)


Oh, man, sewage has just wrecked my shoes!
It's no use a-flushin', aintcha heard the news?
We can't get drunk, we've got nothin' for booze.
Won't somebody take me off this hell cruise?

Pee-yew! Pee-yew, funky!
Pee-yew! Pee-yew, funky!
Pee-yew! Pee-yew, funky!
Won't somebody take me off this hell cruise?

I feel like jumpin'; baby, join me in the sea!
I'd sure hate drownin', but 'least, we'd have a place to pee!

We gotta keep on breathin', honey, though it sucks,
Survive, then we sue Carnival for really big bucks.
So be my guest, fill my trashcan with poos,
Please somebody get me off this hell cruise!


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