10/31/2012 01:07 pm ET Updated Dec 31, 2012

Doug's Dozen: 12 More Mitt Romney Ideas for Disaster Relief

Boy, from Gov. Christie giving Romney the stiff-arm, to Obama looking all presidential by activating FEMA before the storm hit... Hurricane Sandy has been a disaster... for Mitt Romney.

But Mitt rose to the occasion in Ohio. He immediately stopped lying his ass off about Chrysler and China, and collected canned food for flood victims! What a guy! (Of course the Red Cross already told him they can't use canned food, but what do they know?)

Now, Mitt's already pointed out that it's immoral to spend billions in federal aid to rebuild the victims' cities. But a nice Spam dinner will make 47 percent of them forget all about that.

And Mitt has plenty more ideas where that came from, so here's...

Doug's Dozen: 12 More Mitt Romney Ideas for Disaster Relief

1. Ann puts on a show with her dancing horse.

2. Bake sale (but do NOT tell Christie where it is!)

3. Fly over flooded cities in his jet -- W. says they loved that down in New Orleans.

4. Mobilize all rescue workers to locate missing corporate bank deposits (just kidding -- only losers keep money in American banks.)

5. Make sure there's an ER open so a million people can line up there for health care.

6. Commandeer cars, tie victims on top, evacuate them all the way to Canada.

7. Buy up every pump on the Eastern seaboard... charge million-dollar consulting fee for revealing where they are.

8. If draining New York streets gets costly -- put in gondolas, rename it New Venice.

9. Establish order by sending in... oh, what do you call them? They were on that laundry list... Oh, yeah. Troops.

10. Increase Pentagon budget to provide plenty of ammo for shooting looters.

11. Tax cut for rich. Not sure how it helps, but couldn't hurt.

12. Sell flooded Manhattan back to Indians... or better yet, India!


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