02/14/2013 08:58 am ET Updated Apr 16, 2013

Them the People: Ted Nugent's Constituency

If you're going to abuse the White House petition program, make sure you're an addled rightwing wackjob. I'm serious. I, an addled midwing pinhead, am apparently excluded by the Terms of Service.

Let's see now. The following are legitimate petitions, according to "We the People." You can petition the White House to have Piers Morgan deported for being insufficiently gun-besotted. You can petition the White House to have your disgruntled, gun-besotted states secede from the Union. Not only can you use the site to present these petitions, but the President will respond to your bonewitted requests.

So, that's legit.

Now, let's say that you (okay, I) launch a petition to have Ted Nugent drafted to serve on the front lines in Afganistan. That would seem to fulfill all of the requirements: frivolous, kind of dumb, utterly without hope of success. The only difference, as far as I can tell, is that my wacky petition was not sufficiently pro-gun. Worse: it was a bit anti-gun. It suggested that Some Guns Might Be Bad.

My petition was pulled from the White House site in a matter of hours. You can see the sorry remnants of my jape here.

What. Am I not the People? We Not the People? Non-People "R" Us?

As I say, I am only middish, wingwise. I'm a centrist dipstick. I can only imagine how severely discriminated against are the addled leftwing needlebrains of this world.

Was it because I made it clear that I recognized the idiotic nature of my petition, unlike the idiots who presented their petition with the deep sincerity befitting actual idiots?

I was forced to relocate my dull-yet-pointed petition to here. (Sign it, if you share my silly prejudice against draft-dodgers who shill for the NRA.)

Is this a First Amendment issue? Hell yes! Okay, hell maybe! Okay, probably not!

But it's an object lesson. If you're going to be a jackass and launch a chowderskulled stunt on an official White House site, make sure that you're a sincere, deeply committed enemy of the administration.