04/22/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Tiger Tales

Apparently the world should shut down for a guy who hits a little white ball into a small hole in the ground.

Look, I'm a big sports fan. Love the game of golf. Love to watch the guy smack his way around the course and add some much needed spice to the otherwise caucasian country club. But, people, are we kidding ourselves? Does the world spin on a different axis because of what Tiger Woods does on or off the course? Apparently so.

Why is it that Tiger kidnaps every major media outlet across the globe while near zero air time is afforded to ...

The startling number of American kids and families living below the poverty line?

The startling number of American high school dropouts?

The startling number of prescription drugs being used to dumb down the American people?

The startling number of Americans who die of cancer every day (1,500)?

Or even the startling number of those continuing to be slaughtered in Darfur?

Then you have guys like ESPN contributor, Bill Simmons. Good writer, but let's just say Bill is a little nuts about this stuff. Check out his 2730 word diatribe on Woods' speech. It's as if Simmons' wife (if he has one) was one of the cougars caught in Tiger's lair.

The most bizarre component of all this mania is to hear talking heads talk about talking heads as if they were not the talking heads they are talking about. Got it? Simmons writes...

"But listening to talking heads praise that ludicrous speech pushed me over the edge."

First of all, Bill, you are that talking head. Second, look up. There isn't any mammoth meteor hurtling toward earth, so step back from the ledge, my man.

Simmons blathers on and on and on like a jilted lover writing a revenge piece for US Magazine. The creme de la creme, however, was Bill's yen for a moment of magic, 'Had I written the speech for him..." Had you written the speech for him, I'm certain Tiger would become the Dalai's best buddhist buddy, the seas would part and Elin and the kids would rush through and back into Tiger's arms.

So, here's the bottom line. It's sad. The dude duped a lot of people who thought he was a saint. And his sponsors and charity took a big blow to the gut. But at the end of the day, idol worship is devilish stuff to begin with.

The game of golf will go on, regardless of tanking ratings sans Tiger. There WILL be another Tiger Woods down the road. There always is. But on this day, this version of Tiger made an apology to a universe of people he does not know or even owe an apology to. Cut, print.

So while Tiger eventually returns to his $38 million dollar house or $10 million yacht, do you think we can set up the next national media spectacle to talk about the kids in this country who have nothing to eat and nowhere to go?

Eh, forget it. That's freakin' boring. Let's see what those hookers and Playboy bunnies are up to.