08/14/2013 11:09 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Man's Life in Danger Because of His Mustache

Recently my colleague Jennie Matthew here at Huffington Post reported on the plight of Pakistani businessman Malik Amir Mohammad Khan Afridi, whose life is being threatened by militant Muslims due to the girth of his mustache.

This, of course, spurred a correspondence between the American Mustache Institute and the administration of President Barack Obama. Below is a personal note sent by AMI's Dr. Roberto Ontario Jr., a resident Ph.D. in our Wildlife Mustacheology division, to the president's personal Hotmail account.

Mr. President,

It was very nice seeing you last month and thank you for the pie.

Since that time, it has recently come to the attention of the American Mustache Institute that one of our proud brethren, Malik Amir Mohammed Khan Afridi of Faisalabad, Pakistan, has become a target of severe repression and harassment from religious fundamentalists in his homeland.

Mr. Afridi's crime?

Daring to embrace a sexually dynamic Mustached-Pakistani lifestyle, as we are certain you have seen reported in media ranging from Huffington Post to Liberal Rifles Quarterly.

Since the beginning of recorded time, impeccably coiffed lip plumage has been a symbol of virility and power across Southeast Asia, India and in the Middle East. However, this open embrace of the sexual dynamism represented by mustaches everywhere runs counter to strict Muslim law, which dictates that mustaches must be kept short or shaved entirely.

It is because of this religious intolerance that Mr. Afridi had run afoul of a local group of mustache-hating Taliban.

Mr. Afridi's torment began in 2009 when the "anti-mustites" -- as our institute refers to them -- began to demand protection money for the right to showcase his exceptional follicular grandeur. The abuse has since intensified as Mr. Afridi was kidnapped by the Taliban and held in a cave for a month until he finally shaved his labia sebucula (which as I told you over coffee at Camp David means "lip sweater" in Latin). Constant death threats have forced him to leave his family and relocate to the more tolerant Khyber region in southern Pakistan.

Mr. Afridi's sexually dynamic lifestyle is partially supported by a small subsidy provided by the forward-thinking Khyber government to its most luxuriantly adorned mustached citizens, in a gesture of deference to their authority and respect for their power. Most see this as a fiscal "Thank you," to the constant "You're welcome," AMI provides in leading the free facial hair movement worldwide.

Understandably, Mr. Afridi longs for more that living in constant fear for his own life, the safety of his family, and most importantly, in fear of returning to the sad ranks of the bare-faced mortals. Indeed, Mr. Afridi can no longer live peacefully in Pakistan and is actively seeking asylum for he and his family in the United States.

We here at the AMI urge you to grant Mr. Afridi political asylum. The actions of his persecutors should be considered an affront not only to the proud mustaches of the world, but to anyone who believes in personal freedom and rugged good looks. It is not an exaggeration to say that this a matter of national security as the same radical hate group that seeks to eradicate Mr. Afridi's mustache both hates and covets the freedom represented by a good mustache and the American way of life.

If the Taliban is allowed to take our mustaches, what is next? What other cherished American freedoms will they seek to exterminate? The Muppets? Overweight and under-educated Alabama residents? Cinemax After Dark, perhaps?

This must stop.

Look into your heart, Mr. President, and do what is right. Don't let the terrorists win. You may not know the feeling of a mustache on your face, but you do know the sting of discrimination. Mr. Afridi is guilty of nothing but aspiring to achieve the loftiest pinnacles of masculinity. Let him come to a labs where he can be showered in the praise and adulation befitting a man of his stature. Do the right thing, Mr. President. The mustaches of the world are watching...and waiting.

You're welcome,

Dr. Roberto Ontario Jr.
Ph.D. Wildlife Mustology
American Mustache Institute