Some mustache rides must come to an end.
In a seismic shift in the global facial hair movement, the American Mustache Institute today announced its first change in leadership since 1989, along with plans to move the organization's current corporate headquarters in St. Louis, as well as 'Stache Bash 2013, to Pittsburgh.
Perhaps the most significant news in Pittsburgh history since Terry Bradshaw announced that Verne Lundquist would induct him into the National Football League Hall of Fame, Dr. Aaron Xavier Perlut, who has led the world's leading facial hair advocacy organization since 1989, announced he would step down and hand over day-to-day leadership authority to Pittsburgh resident Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove.
"As we continue to battle for the equal rights and civil liberties of the Mustached American people, I'm pleased to introduce the new generation of ruggedly handsome leadership to guide those endeavors," said Dr. Perlut, who was dressed in his customary white lab coat and white satin tear-away sweatpants.
A Certified Nuclear Mustacheologist (CNM) who joined AMI in November 2012 to form its Mustache Policy think tank, MustacheForward, Dr. Causgrove said he will begin his tenure by launching an aggressive effort to take back the Mustached American agenda from the clean-shaven aristocracy, beginning with AMI moving its headquarters from the shadow of the world's largest mustache -- the Gateway Arch in St. Louis -- to Pittsburgh.
"It is with great humility, honor, and overwhelming attractiveness that I accept the helm of what is broadly considered the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. Military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets," said Dr. Causgrove, who in October 2012 was voted the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year. "And that begins here, in Pittsburgh, which has a culturally rich history of accommodating the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle dating back to the days of Rocky Bleier, John Stallworth, and Willie Stargell."
As a result of AMI's headquarters moving to Pittsburgh, the organization's annual 'Stache Bash charitable celebration of the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle will come to Pittsburgh October 26, 2013. The event benefits Steps to Independence, a Pittsburgh-area not-for-profit focused Conductive Education for children with motor disabilities such as cerebral palsy, and is expected to pump as much as $1.3 trillion into the local economy, according AMI's Department of Municipal Solvency & Modern Dance.
Pittsburgh District 2 Councilwoman Theresa Kail-Smith believes that the addition of AMI to the city's deep corporate mix and evolving entrepreneurial culture will aid the organizational diversity and overall strength of the region.
"From an economic development and good looks standpoint, without question this is a significant win for all of us across greater Pittsburgh," the Councilwoman said. "We look forward to AMI's continued growth and leadership in crafting the Mustached American agenda right here in Pittsburgh."
In 2011, Pittsburgh reached its cultural peak after being cited as America's third most "Mustache-Friendly" city following a two-year analysis by AMI's Behavioral Economics Division. In its report, AMI noted, "Pittsburgh has the highest number of Mustached Americans per capita outside of only Graz, Austria, Damascus, Syria and Tijuana, Mexico," which has many Mexicans.
Joe Reagan, the president of the St. Louis Regional Chamber, took the announcement in stride.
"Clearly, to lose an organization of this breadth and vision is perplexing," said Reagan. "But we have a razor-sharp focus on supporting entrepreneurs as well as expanding St. Louis' core strengths in biosciences, financial services, multi-modal logistics and healthcare. We just weren't quite sure where mustache thought leadership fit in that landscape so we agreed to part friends."
St. Louis's mayor said his eyes are already on a replacement.
"We wish the mustached men well," said St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay. "Luckily, I've got a lead on luring the National Association of Soul Patches (NASP) to St. Louis."
Dr. Perlut is leaving his leadership role to pursue other interests, spend time with three of his four families in Guam, Delaware and Los Angeles; and to act as a policy and grooming consultant to The Bacon Institute, and as a part-time maintenance supervisor at the offices of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).
"His departure is unrelated to his recent sentencing on mopery charges," one well-placed AMI source stated on the condition of anonymity. "He will remain involved with AMI and may spend the coming months on a prison ministry program with the many Mustached American inmates in our country's fine penal system."
*Images for this video collected using Wikimedia Commons