12/16/2014 01:53 pm ET Updated Feb 15, 2015

Holiday Quandaries for a Man of Mustache

At the holiday times, people of Mustached American descent -- real men of brawn, feline hatred, and power tools -- are often at a loss for words as to all of this holiday gift giving fuss.

Not to undermine, attack nor in any way conduct a "war on Christmas" as FOX News has suggested is the case with the United States government. It goes without saying that a holiday season should exist from September through January built around December 25 -- the day the world comes together as one to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, a dynamic man of beard.

But why the roid-rage dose of commercialism during this time of year? Why on earth must we shower gifts upon our friends, children, spouses or Peruvian midwives who give birth to our out-of-wedlock spawns? It makes no sense to the Mustached American community.

Retailers far and wide speak about the need for gift giving. The National Retail Federation - which sadly has no relation to the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances - noted an early sales to lift to retail spending in November, with an increase of 0.6 percent seasonally-adjusted over October and 3.2 percent unadjusted over November 2013.

Huzzah! Just like Billy Dee Williams reminded us about how often Colt 45 won, capitalism wins every time! There are big sales and small sales, savvy deals and savvier shoppers. Even online customized e-tailer CafePress is suggesting we should be more thoughtful with our gifting, saying that gift cards "suck" and that we should deliver gifts with more heart.

There are various analysis' of the shopping patterns of men versus women as well. According to a new survey of nearly 1,400 mammals by, "girls are cheap." The site's study shows that nearly half of women surveyed plan to spend less than $100 on gifts for their significant other, while 44 percent of men reported a willingness to spend between $100 and $300 on a gift for their significant other, with 40 percent saying they would spend less than $100.

In the end, does any of this matter to people of facial hair? I mean, when your facial hair gives you the power to impregnate someone with a mere fist-bump while walking down the street, who cares about presents?

Of course it doesn't matter, because Mustached Americans have all we need resting atop our lips and just south of the nasal unitry.

But hey, if you've bought into the spirit and really want to demonstrate your deep respect for a man of mustache, you can always search the interwebs for helpful suggestions.

In Santa we trust.