09/17/2014 11:36 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2014

Talking Like a Pirate, DOE and Cory Haim Amuse

I received a news release today about a "leaked" memo from the U.S. Department of Education suggesting that PASL -- or Pirate As A Second Language -- might become part of the secondary curriculum that will be implemented across 44 U.S. states which have adopted the controversial Common Core standards.

Four out of every five pirates, you see, have mustaches, so I could not help but direct my full attention to the pitch.

Supposedly penned by the DOE's John Easton, it even quoted Education Secretary Arne Duncan said, "Shiver me timbers?! If we don't get to jamming the lads and lassie's heads with the 'ayes and the 'arrghs, soon, they're gonna be sloppin' in the grog with the rest of the swill."

In reality, the release was from online retailer CafePress, which apparently sells a lot of pirate gear on Talk Like a Pirate Day each year. More important, it included references to Cory Haim and Sean Astin via the highly underrated Goonies film, and most important, a worthwhile, family-friendly video from comedy-music act The Flavor Savers that I share with you now.

Ahoy, matey.