03/22/2013 07:09 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

The Bigger the Lie, the More People Believe It

It's true: Lies work. They work really well. How's that? Well, people believe them. That's why you tell a lie in the first place, isn't it? So that people will believe it. But here's the amazing thing: The bigger the lie, the more people believe it. I mean that in both ways. If you tell a really big lie, lots and lots of people will believe it, and they will believe it really deeply -- even religiously. Here are a few of the biggest lies anybody has ever told:

Really Big Lie #1: "The creator of the universe wrote the Bible."

That sounds crazy, doesn't it? That's because it is crazy. But hundreds of millions of people believe it. They believe that a collection of stories written by humans was authored by the deity. I'd like to know the name of the guy who came up with this idea. It had to be somebody, right? I'd just like to shake his hand.

Really Big Lie #2: "Homosexuality is bad."

There are lots of different versions of this lie: Homosexuality is disordered, perverted, contrary to natural law, immoral. The Bible is definitely down on homosexuality, which supposedly means that the creator of the universe is anti-gay, so it must be bad to be gay, because the creator is always right, right? Well, I might be inclined to think that way if his creation weren't such a mess. Of course, there's also the embarrassment of all the gay animals. Check out Buzzfeed's list of the 25 gayest animals and you'll see what I mean. No doubt about it. There's been a big-time gay party going on in nature forever. I mean, why do you think they call it "the wild"?

Really Big Lie #3: "You choose your sexual orientation."

Yeah, you do. You really do. Here's how it works. Let's say you're a guy. You just tell your penis when to get hard. After all, aren't you the boss of that thing? It may want to get erect when it encounters a naked girl, but you can change all that. After all, there are just so many advantages to being gay. With just a little bit of discipline and training, your penis will know that it's gay and that it was all just meant to be.

Really Big Lie #4: "The purpose of sex is procreation."

I come from a really big family (11 children), and this "sex is for procreation" idea still makes no sense to me. Let's say that you, like my parents, have 11 children. Let's also say that you had one of those great, traditional marriages, and that you've been married for like 50 years. OK. How many times in that 50-year marriage were you really trying to procreate when you had sex? I mean, what was the percentage? Just to run the numbers, let's say it wasn't such a sexy marriage (oxymoron), so you only had sex once a month for 50 years. Well, that's still doing the nasty 600 times. How many of those 600 times were you really trying to make a baby? I don't know, but I'm going to say it was just not that many. In fact, if you were really good, maybe it was just 11.

Really Big Lie #5: "Marriage is between a man and a woman."

Well, it always was, wasn't it? Customers in Montgomery, Ala., diners were always white too, until around 1964. Something called the Civil Rights Act changed that. If something always was, it must be right, right? No. That's wrong. That's Really Big Lie #6.