THE BLOG
11/04/2010 02:16 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

What's Going On Inside the Bully?

Have you ever felt so challenged by someone that you reached your limit and became so resentful, vindictive or aggressive that you imagined yourself almost doing the unthinkable? Have you ever had so much internal turmoil or conflict over family issues or previous violence, traumas or injuries that you didn't know how to contain your internal pressure? Have you ever been so free and unconstrained without boundaries that you let yourself go beyond the normal limits, got out of control and gotten yourself into deep trouble with your family, friends or even the law? Or, have you ever envied someone that you thought had an easier, simpler or better life than you and felt jealous or envious and then vindictive and wanted to bring or cut them down to their place -- like a tall poppy -- so you could feel superior?

Well some young people have certainly felt this way at times, and without guidance and direction on how to handle these internal conflicts and socially initiated feelings, they can end up doing the unthinkable and letting out their frustration and aggression onto more vulnerable others.

Have you ever felt like you could never win an argument and just for once wanted to be right and feel empowered against those with rigid and righteous opinions? Have you ever felt that you were being controlled and overpowered and wanted to retaliate and control someone more meager to feel strong? Have you ever just felt extremely frustrated, stuck and angered because your dreams, goals or intentions seemed so far out of reach and unobtainable that your jaw and head hurt? Have you ever felt that no matter what you tried to communicate to others nobody seemed to listen, care or understand? Or have you ever desired to be the center of attention and wanted to be "numero uno" and yet you seemed to fall short of the center of focus, no matter what?

Well some young people are experiencing these feelings daily and are screaming loudly within and reaching out for solutions to their emotional and often paradoxical dilemmas. They just want to make a difference in the world and don't know exactly how they can without losing their present identity. They desire to empower themselves but cannot seem to excel in areas that others respect and are appreciative of. So they end up finding others that are also less empowered and attempt to bring them down to experience a brief fix of dopamine so they can feel less pain and internal conflict inside themselves.

Just maybe we all have the potential to become some form of bully at frustrating or challenging times -- either in our family, at work, or towards salespeople, our children or anyone we feel might be an outlet for our frustrations.

Some young people are not feeling appreciated and loved for who they truly are inside and are crying out for attention and acknowledgment. Others are not clear on what they would love to focus their constructive attention upon. And still others are feeling like they have been treated unfairly and have not been able to discover the hidden blessings. Giving these young people too much or too little freedom may not be the form of love they seek and want. A balance of freedom and constraint is in order.

It would be helpful to take the time to discover what their true higher values or priorities are and assist them in fulfilling what is truly most important in their lives. This could work wonders on transforming their attitudes and actions from ones of bullying to ones of fulfilling.

Labeling young people bullies may just be a sign that we have not mastered the art of communicating with them in a way that they feel heard, appreciated, empowered and loved. Inside every young person is a desire to do something extraordinary and amazing with their lives. Assisting them in the fulfillment of this inner dream could transform the apparent bully into a young person living fully.

Learn more at www.drdemartini.com.