01/10/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Ask E. Jean: How Oprah Can Lose that 40 Pounds

My Dear Oprah: I've seen you on the cover of your magazine saying that you are "mad at yourself" because you've gained forty pounds. My Queen! I have a solution for you! Indeed, I'd like to see you try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this.

Go to Decide how much money it's worth to lose those forty pounds forever----$15? $50? $150? $5,500? (We both know people who've spent $10,000 a year since the Reagan Administration trying to lose the same twenty pounds, right?) Decide the date by which you want to lose the weight.

Then tell me the name of your worst enemy. (Those Texas Meat Men? David Duke? I know, I know you are worshiped around the world as a goddess, but you must loathe someone. For instance, do you adore the people who kill the whales? You dislike people who kill whales, correct?) Fine. People who kill the whales it is. Because however much money you bet, Auntie Eeee is going to send that money to the Kill the Whales organization if you don't lose the weight.

Yes, and to make absolutely certain you don't "fall back into bad eating habits" the note I'm sending to the Kill the Whales people (along with your money) will say you're such a delightful dingbat that you want the Kill The Whales people to go out to dinner with your cash because you're no longer feeling "frisky and sexy" and can't manage to lose the forty pounds.

Of course, you'll get the money back if you do lose the weight. Not that you'll be able to look at food again.

So let's do it, Oprah. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has used you in their stupid ads long enough! You can help feed the world's hungry by stipulating that the United Nations Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down.

And, by the by, there's no cheating, Miss Oprah! You provide the names of friends, like Gayle or Stedman, and whomever catches you on your weigh-in day, gets a portion of the cash if you miss your goal. And best of all? You can maintain your svelte self by stipulating the cash goes to the Kill the Whales people if you gain a pound back. Enjoy!

Ravishing Regards,
E. Jean