06/30/2013 11:14 am ET Updated Aug 30, 2013

Antonin Scalia: 'I Thought Grindr Was an App for Coffee Aficionados'

Antonin Scalia, conservative Supreme Court justice and vehement opponent of gay rights, recently stumbled into what many are categorizing as an "awkward situation" when he found himself -- unknowingly, according to him -- in the middle of Chicago's Pride Parade.

Scalia told The Daily Refried that he is new to smartphones and mistakenly downloaded the Grindr app -- an app primarily used to help gay men find other gay men -- believing it to be an app for coffee lovers. "I thought Grindr was an app for coffee aficionados. Next thing I know, I'm covered in confetti, my robe is bejeweled, and I'm being pummeled with flavored condoms thrown from a parade float."

This comes after the 77-year-old's dissenting opinion in the DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) case this week, where he, consistent with his previous public statements, railed against the decision by the court's majority to recognize gay marriage federally and bestow all federal marriage rights to same-sex couples.

Many perplexed witnesses claim that Scalia showed up with Michelle Bachman's husband, Marcus, another coffee-lover, and remained at the event from start to finish, even after discovering that their Grindr app had not led them to a high concentration of espresso enthusiasts as they had previously hoped. "They both shook their heads disapprovingly during the festivities as they offered private conferences in their conversion van to try to convert attendees, to 'ungay them.' They kept saying, 'If the van is a-rocking, we're a-knocking... the gay out of someone.' But then they'd smirk. Like, a lot," said one attendee.

Your handsome and humble servant, El Guapo

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.