After learning that the two Boston bombers were Caucasian (as in from Russia's actual Caucasus region -- which makes them Caucasian squared), Tanner Cooper, 26, and every other shopper at the North Dayton Whole Foods barricaded themselves in the Organic, Artesian, Gluten-Free Bread department and refused to leave the store. They have been holed up in the store since the release of the killers' photos earlier in the week.
"Well, crap, we know what's coming. Whenever someone who is pigmentally-challenged commits a crime, the rest of us suffer in the wake of the tragedy. People look at us angrily and the media inevitably fan the flames of xenophobia by focusing on the color of the criminals' skin. Police stop us without cause and some even shout racial slurs as we try to go about our daily lives. We're just like everyone else, you know?"
Usman Muhammed, one of the store's cashiers, bagged a customer's vegan wraps and told The Daily Refried reporter that he hopes things get better for the frightened group, particularly since most of the customers use Whole Food's all-natural deodorants.
Your handsome and humble servant, El Guapo.