11/27/2013 11:06 pm ET Updated Jan 27, 2014

In Ultimate Mind Pluck, Obama Pardons One Turkey, Only to Carve Up Friend and Eat Him

It's an American tradition. Every year the standing U.S. president pardons a turkey, saving it from the delicious fate that befalls so many birds on Thanksgiving Day.

Of course, the White House kitchen still cooks up a traditional turkey for the first family. So what gives?

Our resident Daily Refried psychologist says it's a rather straightforward answer:

It's the ultimate fowl mind pluck.

While few know this, every U.S. president has harbored an unbridled fear of being usurped by a large fowl. So, every year, in an effort to send a message that humans, particularly Americans, won't be trifled with, the president selects one bird to save but then forces this bird to watch as his pal is stuffed with delicious cornbread stuffing, carved up, and served to his smiling family. That bird is then sent out to spread the word to his turkey friends.

In fact, this year the administration has taken their fowl psychological warfare to another level. Using social media they have had the public chime in to help choose which of the two birds -- Popcorn or Caramel -- will be beheaded for this year's meal. White House tweets have described each bird's personality and taste in music, and the administration has even gone as far as to provide audio of each to help the American people decide.

A well-respected mob enforcer preferring to remain nameless commented that this was "straight-up psychopathic behavior," adding, "I mean, I have a body count in the 60s, but I've never done some cold shit like this. Gotta give it to him, though. It does send a message. He looks them right in the eye. That bird knows who's in charge when its buddy's in the oven."

Your handsome and humble servant,
El Guapo

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.