09/10/2012 04:56 pm ET Updated Nov 10, 2012

Thousands at DNC Have Synchronized Orgasm, Janitor Furious

Karl Yamenski, Charlotte Janitor of the Year for three years running and lone janitor at the Time Warner Arena, figured he'd be picking up balloons after the Democratic National Convention. Confetti. Maybe mopping up pools of Biden sweat. Pushing around piles of toupees that came off with silly hats.

But, after thousands of attendees broke into a spontaneous synchronized orgasm during the final moment of President Obama's speech, he recognized that this would be a night for the ages. "I got a long goddamn night ahead of me," he said as he doubled up on his latex gloves and donned his hazmat suit.

Early this week, Yamenski was flown in from the Republican National Convention. "There's no comparison. That one was a breeze," he said when asked to compare the conventions. "There was some older guy up there yapping at a chair for a good while, so it did get kind of awkward, but other than that it was pretty uneventful. Nothing like this debauchery."

Karl slumped his shoulders, mumbled something obscene, and pushed his mop and bucket forward.

Your handsome and humble servant,

El Guapo

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.