07/15/2013 05:35 pm ET Updated Sep 14, 2013

Enlightenment Quiz

With help from Sri Charles Castellananda

Score 1 point for each wrong answer. Add your total number of correct answers to your total number of wrong answers, then divide by the total number of questions. If your result is 1, you are enlightened. If your result is anything else, seek help.

Select the answer which best completes the following phrases:

1. Yin and...

a. Yout
b. Tonic
c. Yenta
d. Yang

2. A Zen koan is...

a. A Jewish Buddhist
b. All of the above
c. None of the above
d. All AND none of the above, with fries

3. Lao-Tsu is...

a. Shrimp with fried rice
b. The Japanese word for "sneeze"
c. What comes after Lao-One
d. Someone who is "also from Laos"

4. In Hinduism. the Jivatman merges with the Atman to become...

a. The Atman Brothers
b. Jivatman & Atman, Inc.
c. Mr. & Mrs. Atman
d. Mango chutney

5. Which of the following is NOT a name of God?

a. Yahweh
b. Allah
c. Brahma
d. Eddie Greenberg

6. The word or words which best describes the relationship between God, Guru & Self is...

a. Oneness
b. Threeness
c. Penpals
d. Just good friends

7. When I am totally God-Realized, I would understand that...

a. I don't exist.
b. I DO exist, but you don't
c. God-Realization doesn't exist
d. Existence is overrated

8. If you cross a Swami with a Yogi you get...

a. A Swogi
b. A Salami
c. Yogurt
d. Heartburn

9. Carlos Castaneda is...

a. A flamenco dancer
b. The 2nd baseman for the Mets
c. A guitarist with Santana
d. Charlie Castaneda's Spanish name

10. "Om mani padme hum" means...

a. "Oh Manny, pardon my home"
b. Never having to say you're sorry
c. The opposite of "O wa ta goo siam"
d. For some odd reason I am chanting about lotus flowers in Sanskrit

11. The "sound of one hand clapping" is...

a. Extremely quiet
b. Similar to smiling with one lip
c. Like the "p" in swimming
d. A popular film starring Julie Andrews and Suzuki Roshi

12. Kundalini is...

a. An Indian pasta dish
b. Harry Houdini's dog
c. The word that follows "eenie-meenie"
d. An affectionate diminutive form of "Kunda"

13. The Tao Te Ching is...

a. The Premier of China
b. I-Ching's older brother
c. A new CD by Cheech & Chong
d. "gnihC eT aoT" spelled in reverse.

14. Someone at a party tells you, "I stand in the possibility that you are a clearing for the space of love in my life." This means...

a. "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs"
b. They are NOT Scientologists, but you might want to suggest they look into it
c. They sort of like you
d. "Get out of my face"

Verbal Problem:

15. If three spiritual practitioners can meditate for 3 hours each, and it takes them 9 hours to mow the lawn, what time is it in Lhasa? Chicago?


a. Ramakrishna is a popular breakfast cereal.
b. Satori is way better than samadhi.
c. Sufi dancing is like square dancing, only rounder.
d. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
e. Seriously, no coveting.

Brain Teaser:

An Enlightened Being was locked in a closet with only a baseball bat. How did he or she get out? (Answer below*)

Final Jeopardy:

The answer is: "It is not the Truth." What's the question? (Answer below**)

*Answer to Brain Teaser:
The person breaks down the door with the baseball bat.

**Answer to Final Jeopardy: Can't help you with this one. If you figure out the question, please post.


0-9: You prefer single digits
10-20: God never really liked you
21-30: You're not completely unconscious
31-40: With just a little good karma you could go all the way
41-50: You will achieve True Liberation by November at the latest