01/19/2013 08:24 am ET Updated Mar 20, 2013

I'm Old And Multi-Orgasmic, And You Can Be Too

I'm not really that old. Middle-aged. What do they call that? Oh, yes: "Past her prime."

Let me tell you, I believed that "past her prime" line. Believed it especially for, well, you know... The big nasty. Hot sweaty snugglebunnies. Bow chicka wow wow. Intimacy.


I thought my vagina should be listed with the Museums of the World. A work of art, but not used for centuries. Certainly, I thought, it was no longer functional. At a minimum dusty, at a maximum it needed a team of art restorers. Or so I thought.

Do you know where I'm going with this? Is this TMI... too much information?

Okay, let me stop here a moment and talk about something less provocative, like taxes. Taxes really suck, but we need them so our country doesn't descend into anarchy, and we need roads, don't we?

Now, back to my vagina.

I'm going to change names to protect the innocent. We'll call him "R." R thought I was beautiful. I made him say it twice just to make sure he fully understood the meaning of the word. Maybe he meant witty, human or breathing, I figured. Nope, he meant beautiful. Things progressed fairly quickly after that.

I warned him about me being past my prime. Did he realize I wasn't 22? I don't think I mentioned being listed with Museums of the World, but I might have hinted at it pretty strongly. He was not deterred.

You might have heard me. You might have noticed the tide flowing backwards. Certainly you picked up on the earth moving. It had to be on the news: fish falling from the sky, cats barking, dogs meowing. You don't remember? It happened on a Monday. Do you remember, now?

Anyway, my museum relic turned magical. Yes, I have a magic vagina. R confirmed it. It wasn't dead, after all. It was just hibernating. And once it was wakened, it did magical things. Thank you, magical vagina! Thank you, R!

And now to you and yours. Here's my advice: When Museums of the World comes knocking to put you on their list, do not sign on the dotted line. Find an R, and go out for a test drive. You might be surprised. You might be magical, too. Let me know how you do. I'll be watching for falling fish.

Hey, beautiful! Yes, I'm talking to you.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

7 Reasons You Aren't Having Sex