THE BLOG
08/31/2015 11:54 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Menopause Life's Cycle and Loss

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On July 6th, I received that dreaded phone call.  My beloved Mom passed away in Tucson, Arizona.

Mom started having trouble breathing earlier in the day, and then at approximately 2 in the afternoon, just stopped breathing as she sat in her TV chair.  She had what one would call a blessed passing.  She did not suffer, it was peaceful.

Although she was 95 years young, I was not ready.

As it was with menopause and that stage of life's journey, no one really prepared me for death and dying.  Frankly those words were not spoken in our household.  My parents had lost their first born, my brother Gary, at the tender age of 4.  He choked to death on a piece of bread.  Tragically, no one knew the Heimlich maneuver in those days. As a parent, frankly, I do not know how they survived that horrific day. My sister was 2.  I was born approximately 9 months later. Then 8 years later my brother was born.

There was a beautifully framed picture of a little boy on my Mom’s dresser. It never moved and no words were ever spoken of it. I knew it was something very fragile - never to be touched. It took me years before I got the courage to ask my maternal Grandma who was that boy in the picture.  It was Gary.

In my teens, I first experienced loss when my maternal Grandpa died.  I was scared at the funeral, and had no idea what to expect.  I accidentally looked at the open coffin.  That’s something I will never do again.  It took me years to erase the picture of dead Grandpa from my memories.

I adored my father, but sadly he battled terrible heart disease and he passed away at the young age of 58. My Mom’s love for him was unmatched, beautiful and beyond most couples’ wildest expectations. David and I had just had our daughter, Sarah.  She was 3 months old, and was born on my parent’s last anniversary together.  I was 27, devastated, and not prepared to lose my father.

My husband was loving, patient and a rock for me during those dark days.  However, I think having my new little baby girl to take care of is what got me out of bed in the morning. Holding her, that baby smell, her giggles, and need for love and mothering surrounded me with the joys of life. Some days I would nurse her with tears running down my face, but her little face, tiny fingers, and helplessness would bring me back to life again.

When our son was born two years later, I named him Jack after my beloved father.  A few months later, my Grandma passed away. My Grandma was my confident and definitely my biggest fan. Having my new beautiful son in my arms and a two year old toddler running around the house got me through the grief of losing my sweet Grandma.

My beloved Mother lived a sharing, caring and charitable life with effortless grace and tremendous modesty.  Although she was petite, refined, and delicate, she was strong and wise. She adored her parents and her brother, Jack, who is 90 and lives in Flint, Michigan. Mom’s entire being was devoted to her family. Every breath she took was dedicated to all of us.

Sarah is the mother of our first grandchild, Aviva. In March of this year, on Mom’s 95th birthday, she was able to meet Sarah and Sol’s new bundle, Aviva. Aviva just sat on the arm of Mom’s chair with her little hand on Mom’s shoulder -- they were both completely smitten with each other.

At her burial, as I watched my Mother’s grave be covered in dirt, I started having trouble breathing. My son-in-law, Sol, gave me Aviva to hold and immediately I calmed down.  It was as if he gave me a tranquilizer.  As Aviva squirmed in my arms all giggles and smiles, I was once again comforted by the circle of life... a baby -- a new life -- love, hope, and joy. I feel blessed to have Sol as a member of our family.

Lucky for me, in June I read the fabulous free eBook, Love on the Other Side by Arielle Ford. This is a must read! Thanks to this beautiful book, I know that my Mom and Dad are in each other’s arms again. This brings me great comfort.

Towards the end of my Mom’s life our daily phone calls were brief - her short term memory was gone, but she was still aware and alert.... I always ended with, “I love you, Mommy.” She replied, “I love you too, Ellen Gail.”

I had no idea July 5th would be the last time I would hear her voice. I am going to miss our daily phone calls so much. I know that in time, I will stop reaching for the phone to call her.  I will forever look at the world partly through her eyes and hear her words of wisdom and guidance.

My husband is circling me with love and encouragement to grieve ...to just be.  I am so fortunate I can speak openly and honestly with my children, Sarah (35 years old) and Jack (33 years old), about life and death as I cherish their love, support, and wise words of wisdom.

This is hard for me... I am not used to feeling so sad, so numb, so detached.

My favorite scholar, Pooh Bear once said, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Yes, Pooh’s right.  This is very hard.

However, once again I am reminded about the circle of life.  Sarah, Sol and Aviva moved back to San Diego mid July. Lucky me! On August 8th Aviva was 1.

It seems so fitting that when the grief comes and the tears flow, it is my sweet little granddaughter, Aviva who helps me feel joy, giggles, and happiness again. She reaches out her hands for me to hold her, but in truth it is she who is holding me as life circles on.............

For more by Ellen Dolgen, click here.

For more on women's health, click here.

For Ellen Dolgen, menopause education is a mission. Spurred by her own experience struggling with the symptoms of menopause, Dolgen has devoted the last ten years of her life to helping other women during this often difficult time. While she’s not a doctor or scientist, she’s “talked the talk” with countless menopause experts, so that she can “walk the menopause walk” and share the keys to this menopause kingdom.

Together with her son, Jack, she created a FREE eBook, MENOPAUSE MONDAYS The Girlfriend’s Guide to Surviving and Thriving During Perimenopause and Menopause, a comprehensive guide to all things menopause--the symptoms, the treatments, and the long-range effects on a woman’s health. Dolgen shares the expertise of numerous specialists to replace confusion and embarrassment with medically sound solutions, presented in an entertaining and informative way. There you will find detailed descriptions and treatments for the symptoms you or your loved one may experience, from hot flashes and mood swings to mental fogginess and loss of libido, and lots more in between.

In addition to sharing the latest research and proven treatments, Dolgen offers guidance to finding a menopause specialist who’s right for you, and she provides a clear explanation of what tests to ask for. You’ll also learn about the latest studies on hormone replacement as well as alternative therapies and remedies. Finally, Dolgen shares the real-life experiences of women--and those who love them--as they traverse the crazy ups and downs of perimenopause and menopause.

As a result of the overwhelming response from her burgeoning audiences and followers’ requests for empowering information they could trust, EllenDolgen.com and her Menopause Mondays™ Blog was born.

In addition to Ellen’s ever-growing social media presence, EllenDolgen.com has fast become “the place” on the web for informative and entertaining women’s menopause and wellness engagement. Ellen has been #1 on Dr. Oz Sharecare.com Top 10 Social HealthMakers on Menopause. In 2012, 2013 and 2014, EllenDolgen.com / Menopause Mondays was named first on the list of the “Best Menopause Blogs” by Healthline. Ellen was honored to be asked to be one of the first regularly featured bloggers on HP50 and so began her syndication on many other health sites.

Ellen produces health and wellness programs for businesses, healthcare institutions, and other organizations. She facilitates Menopause Mondays Parties throughout the Country. Ellen chaired a social media roundtable for Novo Nordisk in 2012. In 2013, Ellen was a key spokesperson for GLAM™ (Great Life after Menopause), a non-branded campaign sponsored by Novo Nordisk. In 2015, Ellen partnered with Pfizer on a series of menopause videos with the fabulous award winning Kim Cattrall for their “Tune in to Menopause Campaign.”

Ellen has appeared on the “TODAY Show”, “TODAY Kathie Lee & Hoda”, “The Katie Show,” “NBC Nightly News”, “The Rachael Ray Show,” “The Doctors,” Oprah Radio, Playboy Radio, NPR’s “Tell Me More,” Doctor Radio, and dozens of regional and national media outlets. In 2011, she appeared in a production of “The Vagina Monologues.”

Ellen is the founder and president of Menopause Mondays and is a principal of Dolgen Ventures.

Click here to read Ellen's full bio

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