THE BLOG
12/22/2014 01:13 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

On the 12th Day of Christmas, My Hormones Said to Me...

2013-12-27-Ellen_Dolgen_Menopause_Monday.jpgThis Christmas, it's a hormone-filled holiday, thanks to our old friends perimenopause and menopause. Pour yourself a cup of spiked eggnog and sing along with me.

On the first day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: a bladder bursting with pee.

On the second day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the third day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: six chin hair sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: ten words a-bleeping, nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: eleven women griping, ten words a-bleeping, nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: twelve drenching hot flashes, eleven grumpy women, ten words a-bleeping, nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

And, for those of you who celebrate Chanukah, please substitute these lyrics for the familiar "I Have a Little Dreidel":

I have a hormone problem, I shvitz and shvitz all day

Never dry just sweaty, I shvitz and shvitz. Oy vey!

Curse you menopause, I hate how much I weigh.

Be gone menopause, how long must you stay?

I had a lovely body, with abs and hips so thin.

Now I'm round and tired, hormones, I guess you win.

Curse you menopause, my hair is turning gray.

Be gone menopause, how long must you stay?

My body once was playful; it loved to romp in bed.

Now nighttime is for peeing - my sex life seems it’s dead.

Curse you menopause, my mind it now does stray.

Be gone menopause, how long must you stay?

Suffering in silence is OUT! Laughing is IN!

For more by Ellen Dolgen, click here.

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Ellen Dolgen is an outspoken women's health and wellness advocate, menopause awareness expert, author, and speaker.

After struggling with her own severe menopause symptoms and doing years of research, Ellen resolved to share what she learned from experts and her own trial and error. Her goal was to replace the confusion, embarrassment, and symptoms millions of women go through-before, during, and after menopause-with the medically sound solutions she discovered. Her passion to become a "sister" and confidant to all women fueled Ellen's first book, Shmirshky: the pursuit of hormone happiness. As a result of the overwhelming response from her burgeoning audiences and followers' requests for empowering information they could trust, Ellen's weekly blog, Menopause MondaysTM, was born.

Menopause MondaysTM is a platform from which Ellen reaches the true needs of her readers through varied and substantive discussions of menopause, women's health, and the modern woman's life today as a menopausal woman. Her weekly newsletter provides readers the most current menopause news and research. With her updates, women gain access and the knowledge needed to take charge of their health and happiness. Her motto is: Suffering in silence is OUT! Reaching out is IN!

In addition to Ellen's ever-growing social media presence, EllenDolgen.com has fast become "the place" on the web for informative and entertaining women's menopause and wellness engagement. Ellen is #1 on Dr. Oz Sharecare.com Top 10 Social HealthMakers on Menopause. In 2012, 2013 and 2014, EllenDolgen.com / Menopause Mondays was named first on the list of the "Best Menopause Blogs" by Healthline. Ellen is also a regular contributor to over a dozen leading women's health blogs.

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