THE BLOG
03/09/2006 03:11 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

An Open Letter to Republicans

Dear Republicans,

How are you? I'm fine. Well, actually, I'm not fine; I've had a cold for the past few days, and believe me, it's no picnic! I mean, it's not exactly hell on earth, but the coughing does sometimes make it feel like my head is going to explode -- and not in a satisfyingly spherical, "global" way. No, this is a particularly diabolical form of head-explosion in which the cerebral matter feels as though it will be expulsed through the temples, on either side of the eyes. And who needs that? So I'm taking over-the-counter medicines and drinking a lot of tea, and so forth.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is, I want to ask, Are you all scumbags? Are you all only interested in your personal wealth, political power, and foisting your idiotic form of fundamentalist Christianity on others? By whatever combination of lies, manipulation, intimidation, deceit, and hypocrisy is necessary?

Surely not. Sheer statistical probability alone requires that there be some of you who are not scumbags. For those who aren't, then, I have several questions:

1. Why do you not join in the effort to impeach this catastrophe of a president? How much worse do things have to get? What would George Bush have to do apart from lying us into a war that has killed thousands and fulfilled every prediction of his critics, destroying the national budget, appointing nitwits to positions of power, inspiring hatred toward America around the globe, and literally bungling everything he touches, before you decide that his talents are best pursued in other endeavors and his ass should be fired? You probably liked it when Bush declared he would run the country like a C.E.O. Is there a company on earth who would fail to sack such an executive after so relentless a display of dishonesty and ineptitude? (Hint: The answer is "no.")

2. Why is it that every reply and comment on a liberal blog, by a "conservative" reader, is written by a complete imbecile? I have never, ever seen a reply on the Huff Post, Truth Dig, Media Matters, Firedoglake, etc., etc., by someone from the pro-Bush camp that consisted of anything other than playground sneering and the sarcasm of cretins. Why doesn't one of you provide a serious, reasoned defense of your president and his policies? Like at the bottom of this letter, for example.

3. Are you proud of, indifferent to, or ashamed of the fact that the more the country is exposed to the ideas of your "team," the stupider it gets? Some grotesque percentage of the electorate believed (and probably still believes) that Saddam Hussein had something to do with the attacks on 9-11. Over half the Americans recently polled said they believe in the literal account of humanity's creation as depicted in Genesis. If that doesn't qualify as ignorance, what does? And what will you teach next? Phlogiston? Phrenology?

4. Do you really think that global warming is bogus? Come on. Seriously.

5. "Where there's smoke, there's fire." True or False? (Ans.: False. Sometimes there's just smoke. But in instances of political scandal, where a lot of money, power, and corruption are involved, it is more than true. It is inevitable that, no matter what facts about vote-buying, job-giving, contract-fixing, and election-rigging have or are about to come out, the true story will be much, much worse. It always is. Are you ready for future revelations -- about, e.g., the billions squandered in Iraq and the billions more about to be squandered in New Orleans, and the inevitable blood-curdling accounts of the graft appertaining thereto?)

6. How 'bout them Democrats? Not the voters, but the ones in D.C., the ones who have (with their own partial collusion) been systematically excluded from running the country. Think they'll get wise to the fact that, as long as the voting machines are manipulated in Ohio and Florida, it won't matter who runs on what platform with what "message"?

7. Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter: These, as a friend pointed out, are the Father Coughlins of our time. It is not up to you, O non-scumbag Republican, to be responsible for their hate-mongering, lie-spreading, and all-around ultra-detestableness, which is a word my MS Word program seems to think actually exists. Still, can't you do something about them?

I'll stop here. I have to drink some more tea and then write a similar letter to Democrats. In the meantime, see what you can do about getting back to me with some answers -- not of the "oh yeah, well, Clinton lied, too" variety, but with some substantive account of why you continue to tolerate (if not support, if not actually admire) this, the worst president in U.S. history. Thanks in advance.

Yours,

Ellis Weiner