03/28/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Keeping Down With The Joneses: A Top Ten List

Ever since we punted the redcoats back to England, tea and crumpets in hand, kicking butt became a favorite American past time. We love to compete. And we love to win. But since our favorite sport, conspicuous consumption, has gone the way of the 8-track, Americans have been forced to play a new game called "Keeping Down with the Joneses."

And these are the top ten ways our drive to save will change America's future:

10. With bonus caps, Wall Street seeks alternative incentives to keep bankers happy. Ashley Dupre, Elliot Spitzer's hooker, tops the list.

9. With marketing budgets slashed, The Gap, Banana Republic and J. Crew merge because consumers realize advertising is the only differentiating feature of their clothing.

8. Plastic surgeons offer two for one breast jobs.

7. Female air travelers buy only one gossip magazine rather than three.

6. More families have octuplets and save millions by staring in reality shows with sponsorship deals from Huggies and Gerber.

5. Dumpster diving gets so popular, it becomes a 2012 Olympic sport.

4. Towns compete to become the most energy efficient. "Battle of the Bulbs" emerges as a national holiday.

3. Gym memberships go unpaid on the assumption that the Obama administration will nationalize that, too.

2. Starbucks is forced to rename their "skinny tall soy decaf frapaccinos" when customers recoup hours of lost work time by using the words "small coffee."

1. Illegal immigrants' work ethic becomes a source of national pride. No one works so hard for so little money with such inadequate health care.