THE BLOG
06/14/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Tevye's Descendant to Sing "If I Were A Gay Man" on Broadway

We were given permission to publish "If I Were A Gay Man," a number from the musical, Spinster on the Roof, a Fiddler on the Roof spinoff. The show will be coming to Broadway soon and will probably star Bebe Neuwirth and Nathan Lane or Matthew Broderick if Nathan Lane is unavailable. The story follows Tevye's great-great-great granddaughter, Rachel, a single Jewish woman in her 30's who lives on Manhattan's Upper West Side.

"If I Were A Gay Man"

"Lord, you made women at my age so independent and horny.
There's no shame in being so independent and horny,
But society hasn't made it so easy for me either.
So, would it've been so bad if you'd made me a dude who likes other dudes?

If I was a gay man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy in your bum.
If I were a queeny man.
I'd never have to get hitched.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy gay,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I'd build a modern loft with Warhols by the dozen,
Right in the middle of Chelsea.
A Koi pond on the deck with wooden floors below.
There'd be a large walk-in-closet in my bedroom,
And black and steel Eames chairs down the hall.
And nudey, Greco-Roman sculptures just for show.

I'd gather my wildly successful and hot and well-connected friends
For New York to see and hear.
Each being as outrageous as they can.
And each 'darling' and 'sweetie' and 'honey"' and 'cherie'
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say, 'Here lives a queeny man.'

Oy.

If I had a life partner, Steve, he'd look like Matt McConaghey
With rock hard abs of steel
Eating only tuna to keep his BMI score low.
He'd be putting on cashmere and strutting like a peacock,
Oy, what a handsome man he is.
Then boning me in threesomes day and night.

The most rich and important people in town would come to consult with me!
They would ask me to advise them.
I'd be the Fab Five to these guys.
'Match your belt with your shoes, I tell ya.'
'Use mousse and hair gel, I tell ya..."
Posing problems that would cross Anna Wintour's eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.
When you're gay, they think you really know.

If I were gay, I'd have the body I lack
Because I wouldn't get pregnant and fat.
Then I'd save myself a million bucks on kids' tuition and clothes.
And I'd do blow at circuit parties in exotic destinations, several weeks of every year.
And that would be the awesomest thing of all.

Oy.

If I were a gay man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddle in your bum.
If I were a queeny man.
I'd never have to get hitched.

Lord, who made the heteros and the homos?
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?!
If I were a gay man!"