05/02/2014 05:32 pm ET Updated Jul 02, 2014

Esquire, Drunk Jennifer Lawrence Doesn't Need Your Advice

Axelle/Bauer-Griffin via Getty Images

Esquire writer Ned Hepburn is very, very concerned about Jennifer Lawrence.

Specifically, about her drinking habits. More specifically, about a time during this year's awards season when she allegedly puked at Madonna's Oscars after-party. Apparently, J-Law's "drunken antics" have Hepburn very worried about the state of Lawrence's career -- and her perceived charm/hotness.

He calls her "Jenny" and "babe" and suggests she eat a burger, joining a storied Esquire tradition we like to call: "Part Of The Problem."

Unfortunately for Neddy -- I can call him Neddy without being totally condescending, right? -- he broke a few of the cardinal rules of writing a piece about a woman and not sounding like a total douche.

Let's begin with the use of overly-familiar nicknames, a subject that Jessica Valenti wrote about for The Guardian a mere three days ago. "Like most things men call women when they want to diminish them," wrote Valenti, "'Jessie' is meant to remind me that no matter what I accomplish -- the number of books written, articles published, speeches given -- I'm still 'just a girl.'" And despite Lawrence's Academy Award, Golden Globes, general critical acclaim and widespread "cool girl" cred, she is still just "Jenny," a young girl who needs an older man to explain the rules of alcohol consumption to her.

Hepburn also reminds readers (and Lawrence), that at the end of the day, the most important thing a female celebrity can do is retain her appeal to straight men. "The older you get, the less charming your drunken behavior will be, I can assure you of that," he writes. "You're lucky you're a total stone-cold fox with a face like a million dollars and a better rack than a master carpenter."

I'm sure between finishing up "The Hunger Games," promoting the new "X-Men" film and appearing on "Late Night With Seth Meyers," Lawrence is lying awake at night agonizing over how to best sexually attract the anonymous male public as she inches her way toward the ripe old age of 24.

It remains unclear what the intentions behind Esquire's piece were, as their recently-added update indicates they did "not mean this attempt at humor to belittle Jennifer Lawrence or women at all." But I hope that while Ned was trying to teach J-Law a lesson about binge-drinking, he learned one of his own: condescending drivel masquerading as "humor" just isn't all that funny.

More proof Jennifer Lawrence is awesome...

Jennifer Lawrence