This week on "The Bachelor," the women told
all some, Sean Lowe sported a new haircut and Chris Harrison ran the show. This is truly Chris' time to shine -- especially when he takes an informal poll of how the audience feels about #ShirtlessSean. (Spoiler alert: They feel great about it.) Chris also reminds us that a "dramatic ending" is coming up next week where Sean may or may not get engaged. But first -- "all the most memorable women" who didn't find reality TV love are back to talk sh*t about Sean, Tierra and other stuff. (As well a few not-at-all memorable ones.)
Before we even get to the women, we see footage of Chris and Sean crashing "Bachelor"-viewing parties! This features lots of screaming, tween girls and a sorority house. Sean even takes his shirt off at one of them and says that the experience "changed [his] life." I'm just wondering how many of those iPhone photos ended up on Instagram.
Chris finally introduces all of the -- surprisingly untacky looking -- women of "this dramatic season." I assume he does so because I don't remember half of their names. (Brooke, Diana, Taryn ... who are you?!) We're forced to sit through flashbacks of when all of the women met Sean -- including the "Fifty Shades" girl. But really all anyone wants to hear about or talk about is Tierra, who has yet to make an appearance.
When In Doubt, Have A "Common Enemy"
During this segment, we learn that:
--Des thought that all the women would be "cordial" and get along like one big happy family. "So you've never seen the show?" asks Chris Harrison, echoing everyone's thoughts.
--Drama is NOT Lesley's "thing."
--Selma is surprisingly well-spoken. She could only take being "rejected" by Tierra so much. "You've gotta hide your crazy," she says. (Words to live by.)
--AshLee was Tierra's "friend" at the beginning.
--"Tierra's sparkle didn't sparkle that big."-Lesley M.
--The general audience/women/Chris consensus is that Tierra milked her fall and her "hypothermia."
--Brooke (who for some reason gets a ton of camera time even though no one remembers her) says that maybe the other women are just jealous that Tierra "seized opportunities."
It's Hard When Someone Steals Your Sparkle
Finally, after much dousing of perfume backstage, the Tierra-rist returns! "Its difficult for me, because I light up in a room," she says. "When I walk into a room I bring this joy and this smile." (Tierra, don't you know you're supposed to issue a full mea culpa and make everyone dislike you less?)
Some of the most Tierrable highlights include:
--People judge her based on her looks, not her heart. And they don't allow her to have her light.
--She wasn't there to make friends. (Duh.)
--Her best friends are back home. (Seriously guys, they exist!)
--She's not normally so misunderstood.
--When Chris asks whether she has any apologies or regrets, Tierra says: "Off the top of my head, no." (Well... at least she stuck to her sparkle-filled guns.)
--The gif-worthy faces that the other women make throughout all of Tierra's comments, because they're not yet allowed to respond.
Taking Down A Tierra-rist
After Tierra finishes her epically un-charming interview with Chris, it's time for the other women to chime in and up the haterade. You can probably guess how it goes, so I'll just give you some of the best quotes:
-- Robyn: "I'm shocked that you're saying the things that you're saying right now... you're delusional."
--Tierra: "I can't remember everything that happened." (Cue AshLee cracking up.)
--Brooke: "It wasn't so much them as much as it was you."
--Tierra: "I was friendly. It's not like I walked around the house and was this complete devil"
--Selma: "You need to pick your words wisely."
--AshLee: "Fine let's get going. Cause we can go at it."
--Lesley: "Tierra made her own bed, her own cot, what have you."
**Insert Tierra's eventual less-than-sincere half-apology.**
--BEST EXCHANGE EVER: "Who cares about my eyebrow?"-Tierra "America does!"-Chris "I know! That thing has its own Twitter"-Tierra, being somewhat endearing.
Other fun facts: Tierra was once Little Miss Nevada, and she's now engaged to a mystery man who bought her a giant sparkly rock.
One Arm, But Lots Of Sweetness
After recovering from Tierra-gate, Chris puts Sarah -- the ad exec from LA who only has one arm -- into the hot seat. She generally comes off as sugar, spice and everything nice. (Do we sense a campaign to be the next Bachelorette?) During her one-on-one with Mr. Harrison, we learn:
--She opened up more to Sean than her BFFs back home, which seems problematic.
--She keeps getting "the same line" from every boy she dates, which she thinks a lot of women can relate to. "It's the worst being told you're great but you're not good enough for me," she says.
--She thinks getting rejected is often about her arm. Every two-armed single woman would beg to differ.
--"I think I'm funny and I think I'm smart and I think I'm great!" she says. "So do we!" says a pop-up text box underneath her. (Maybe one of the producers has a little crush...)
Reflecting On "The Worst Hometown Date In 'Bachelor' History"
Des, a.k.a. the other woman waging a campaign to be hired for next season, is Chris Harrison's next interviewee. And basically she just wants to love someone and be happy and be just like her parents who are -- duh -- "soulmates." We also learn that:
--Her brother was just being "protective" when he called Sean a playboy. Though she wonders what would have happened had her bro not been around.
--She brands her hometown date "the worst in 'Bachelor' history. Oh dear."
--She's looking forward to the future and is open to finding love .... on "The Bachelorette"?
From Playboy To Frat Boy?
Chris Harrison pokes fun at himself and quips about "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever," a.k.a. the one where AshLee was a stone-faced ice queen. Ash, who Chris dubs "the latest woman to be sent home with a broken heart," enters the hot seat and shares why she didn't say anything at all when she got eliminated. Apparently she was just confused and blindsided and thought she was going to get the proposal. But she got the message loud and clear, and even though she was in love with him, she no longer is. She also thinks Sean acted "like a frat boy" rather than a "Southern gentleman." To her credit, she doesn't mention "this man" or her abandonment issues once!
After what seems like 20 years, but is actually only an hour and a half, Sean Lowe makes his triumphant return! With what may or may not be a faux-hawk! He says he was anxious to see all the ladies because he has "nothing but fond memories." Ash seems to feel slightly differently, and Chris brings her back onstage to hash it out with golden boy. "You've changed your hair color," says Sean, because he's quite a smooth-talker and notices things like ombre. He also attempts to offer an explanation to Ash, saying that she was a frontrunner from the beginning but he just couldn't "find that laughter" with her. And he totally knows how she felt because it happened to him on Emily's season!
Ash seems unimpressed. She wishes Sean hadn't made her go through the rose ceremony and she's also pissed that he didn't act like a "gentleman" and come check on her in St. Croix after she got kicked off. (Side note: Would the producers even allow that?) "You're supposed to be the man here. There's a difference between a woman coming back for the man than a man coming for the girl," she says. Say what? Holy double standard! "I know you're a strong woman. I knew you would be OK," Sean replies. Then AshLee breaks the cardinal rule of reality TV confrontations -- she accuses a well-liked Bachelor of saying something that there is no camera footage to prove. According to Ash, Sean told her that he didn't have feelings for the other two women on their overnight date. Obviously, because we still have yet to see how the season ends, Sean denies it. This leads to an incredibly awkward he said, she said exchange which lasts until after the next commercial break. "I mean I'm not making that up so..." says Ash. But no worries because she totally wishes him the best!
Sean says that he didn't see that coming, but really wanted to end on good terms with Ash. Since she's officially ruined any chance she had of being the next "Bachelorette" (regardless of whether Sean actually made that comment), we move onto America's sweetheart, Des! "After the episode that you went home, I've never been so beat up in the social media world," says Sean. They mutually agree that their split was right, and wish each other nothing but the best.
The Bloopers Tell All
(Hint to "Bachelor" producers: Just make a two-hour special full of cute bloopers. So much more enjoyable than watching Tierra talk about her inner light.) We see Chris being clumsy and yelling at a lantern, lots of things falling on ladies, Sean proving that he is incapable of properly maneuvering any vehicle -- even if it's a bike -- or properly opening a bottle of wine, Tierra getting annoyed by a mosquito, Lesley getting accosted by a giant bug, Jackie getting terrified of a duck, and of course, Sean "opening up" to Chris Harrison while shirtless. "It really seems like something's different about you," says Chris.
Remember: There Are Two Ladies Left
"I was blessed with the most amazing group of women any Bachelor could ask for," says Sean, back from the blooper interlude. (Aw, what a good guy, says everyone watching.) Then Chris informs us that "everyone can't wait to see how this turns out!"
Before we can call it a night and see the same extended promo for the finale that they've been showing for the last two weeks, we clearly have to re-watch footage of Sean with his final two potential three-month fiancees. To review: Catherine is fun, silly, weird and knows the word "visceral." Lindsay was at first terrifying, is a good kisser and could be Sean's BFF-wife.
Next Week, At The End Of Sean's Journey...
Elephant! Smiles! Kisses! Journey! Tears! Sean tears! Upside-down kiss! Catherine can't predict! Forehead kisses! Catherine=wife! Lindsay=wife too! Family weighs in! Mom is skeptical! Mom tears! Sean pensive face! Ring! Staring at ring! Letter! Sean concerned face! Three hours!
Plus one extended memorial slideshow for a producer's recently deceased dog, which was easily the most emotional part of the episode. Dry your tears and see you next week!
Sean Shirtless Count: 2
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