01/14/2014 10:44 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

'The Bachelor' Season 18, Episode 2: Juan Pablo Poses With Puppies At World's Most Uncomfortable Photo Shoot


Welcome back to the wonderful world of white wine tears, roses, grammatical incorrectness and two-month journeys toward engagement. That's right, "The Bachelor," has returned -- this time with the ever-adorable former pro soccer player and single dad Juan Pablo at its helm. This season, we'll be recapping the highlights of each episode in haiku.

18 Haikus About Juan Pablo's Second Week As "El Bachelor"

Clare hates bars, online
Dating and going on dates.
But "The Bach" is great.

Clare is blindfolded.
Can't see, likes to smell JP.
"Let's chill" -- in fake snow.

Sledding, ice skating.
"The perfect fairytale." -Clare
Then comes the hot tub.

Foolproof rose tactic?
Half-naked "opening up."
Clare: "You taste like snow."

Lucy is topless,
'Cause, duh. She's a free spirit.
Renee: Unimpressed.

On Kat's one-on-one,
She could "get used to" the jet.
"Latin Lover?" Vom.

Day-glo, house music,
5k run, sweaty slow-mo.
It's my worst nightmare.

They dance on a stage,
Which counts as "spontaneous."
K, Kat. Take the rose.

the bachelor selfie

Group daters include:
Cassandra, Chelsie, Christy.
Why all the "C" names?

The girls must pose,
With puppies (and Juan), of course.
"Models and Mutts," y'all.

Forced nudity and
borderline blackface occur.
And an afro. No.

"We'll both be naked,"
Says JP. Andi thinks hard:
"This is for the dogs."

Cassandra's a mom.
Nikki is "fun" and she's "cute."
Victoria's drunk.

Pre-meltdown, Vic says:
"Hymen maneuver." We'd all,
Like her to explain.

Vic sobs in a stall.
Maybe she's not a step-mom,
Thinks JP. Bye, Vic.

Cocktail parties make
JP's skinny tie appear.
He wears it damn well.

Reporter Amy,
Leaves me professionally,
Embarrassed. For shame.

Two moms, one bathroom.
Seems like JP is a fan.
Whips out a fist bump.

Time For The Chris Harrison Interlude/Rose Ceremony...
SAFE: Clare, Kat and Kelly already have roses. Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren S., Christy
ELIMINATED: Chantel and Amy L., the reporter

Next Week On "The Bachelor"...
Sunday: "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" remind us that not EVERY couple who met on reality TV has broken up. Just 80 percent of them.
Monday: Bungee jumping! Poppin' bottles! Making out! Getting serious! He's easy to look at! Soccer field! It feels right! More kissing! Not a woman, but a girl! Soccer field kissing! Wine! Woo girls! Be considerate! Someone looks like a whore!

The Best Tweets About This Week's "Bachelor":

Best Tweets About 'The Bachelor' Season 18, Episode 2