06/12/2012 02:10 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

'The Bachelorette' Episode 5: Emily Maynard Goes 'West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods'

This week's episode of "The Bachelorette": brought to you by the London Tourism Board and butchered Shakespeare! Yes, that's right, Emily & Co.'s most recent adventures took place in merry old England -- as we were helpfully reminded every 2.5 seconds.

After being treated to some aerial shots of London and seeing Emily and Ricki tour the city, it's down to business. There are only 10 suitors left, and they all jog into Trafalgar Square (that's in London!) wearing matching zip-ups and pea coats. They also all have very intense jawlines -- clearly Emily has a type. Ryan thinks that London is a really great setting for Emily to "develop a relationship" with him. Jef and his bouffant really want a one-on-one date. (The rest of us just wish he'd spell his name the usual way.) Arie doesn't want Emily to have feelings for anyone but him, Kalon wants more "control," and mushroom farmer Alejandro continues to be irrelevant. Ultimately, All-American Sean gets the first date.

London Calls, Sean Answers
Emily and Sean's date starts off with a private tour bus taking them around ... wait for it ... "London!" as Sean yells at the top of his lungs. Then he and Emily get on the double decker bus and head off. Somehow this show manages to make one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world seem positively boring. The couple gets driven around while Emily painfully recites prepared speeches about Big Ben and Westminster Abbey. They also take photos in one of London's iconic red telephone booths and share their first make-out sesh in front of Buckingham Palace -- because, ya know, that's where Will and Kate kissed.

We get a short reprieve from blondes about town when the scene shifts to Kalon, Arie and Jef sitting around back at their hotel. Kalon is still mad that he didn't get a one-on-one and makes obnoxious comments about Emily and Ricki, saying that "every day would be a group date" since Em has a daughter. Jef and Arie just stare at him in shock. (Hmm... I sense an obvious lead-up to the "Get the f*ck out!" line we've been seeing repeatedly teased for the last few weeks.)

Back on the longest, most boring date ever, Sean continues to be sweet but snooze-worthy. He shares with Emily -- and the entire country, since he's being filmed for a national television show -- that he's only gone on one date in the last year because he's "selective." Emily tells Sean that guys who look like him are usually boring (true), but he's not (false). Then they go to Speaker's Corner, where Sean gives a fully scripted -- I mean ... totally spur of the moment -- speech about love. Though Em thinks that "hearing Sean talk about love is really hot," shockingly after three whole dates she realizes that there's still a lot she doesn't know about him. Hopefully dinner in a fortress will help!

Things we learn during Em and Sean's dinner in a fortress (specifically the Tower of London):
--Emily has developed laryngitis between the afternoon and evening.
--Sean wants two kids but could have more (yawn).
--Sean is "marriage material" and would be "the perfect husband" (double yawn).
--Sean gets the rose, they make out, viewers everywhere can't believe there's still an hour left in the episode.


(Photo Credit: ABC)

Macho Dudes Don't Get Shakespeare
The group date card arrives at the guys' hotel and reads "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." After all staring at each other with confused looks for about 30 seconds, a lightbulb goes off in Alejandro's head and he realizes that this might be a Shakespeare reference! This realization gives John "Wolf" his best line yet: "Oh, it's Shakespeare? No wonder we didn't know it! We're a bunch of macho dumba**es." (Yup, that about sums it up.)

Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and sulking Kalon get the group date, and they head off to Stratford-upon-Avon to completely butcher the most famous play of all time. Upon hearing the word "acting," Arie starts having a panic attack, Kalon declares that he was "born to play [the] role" of Romeo, and everyone watching is distracted by Ryan's artfully styled scarf.

Highlights from the worst rendition of "Romeo and Juliet" you've ever seen:
--Arie and Doug have to cross-dress to play the role of the nurse.
--Travis (egg guy) is actually pretty hilarious -- which is unfortunate because I don't think he's long for this "Bachelorette" world.
--Ryan gets cast as (one of four) Romeos and uses the opportunity to gloat and fuel his in-his-own-head rivalry with Arie: "Arie's gonna be wearing a dress today, and I'm gonna be kissing the girl."
--Arie has absolutely no idea what "jaunt" means.
--Kalon takes his craft very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that he tells Emily to "run along" when she pops by his rehearsal.
--"He needs to chill out and realize he's not on Broadway," says Emily. Word.
--Arie's "worst nightmare" is reading three lines of Shakespeare in front of a random assortment of British folk. (Clearly he's led a charmed life.)
--They're still in Stratford-upon-Avon. Thanks, London Tourism Board!
--Doug embraces his role and gives John "Wolf" a kiss on the cheek. John enjoys it.
--Ryan kisses Emily -- in character of course -- while everyone watches and gets jealous.
--"The best part of the acting is that I made it come off real," says a newly profound Ryan.

Who Knew There Were "Hood Rats" In West Virginia?
Em and the guys change out of their costumes and head to the pub for a pint and dinner. Arie and Emily make out, Ryan gives Em a turquoise necklace in a back room and pats himself on the back for remembering her favorite color. While this is happening, Kalon decides that it's time to battle Ryan for title of Worst Person Ever and starts mouthing off about how Em is an "exhausted sick mother" and he never gets any time to talk to her alone.

Meanwhile, the dudes are playing a game of "middle school gossip" in which they all talk about things that Kalon has said earlier, including an apparent reference he made to Ricki as "baggage." Finally Doug the Dad decides -- in true responsible parental fashion -- that Em needs to be told. After sharing the gossip, Doug suggests that Em resist a knee-jerk reaction. Emily responds with two of the greatest lines of the season: "I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them," and "I want to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his a**." Kalon really has nothing to say for himself so Emily tells him to "get the f*ck out" and goes from boring to badass. (Em is officially most fun when she's a little bit pissed off.) After berating the other guys for not tattle-taling on Kalon earlier, she goes home to cool off and hang with her daughter, taking the rose with her.

Bouffants Make Everything Better
Jef gets the last one-on-one date, so he dons his purple skinny tie and cords for the occasion. With his penchant for hipster fashions and Emily's obsession with all things glittery, they would definitely make an eclectically dressed couple.

For some unknown reason they end up on etiquette lesson where Jef gets scolded at by a stern British woman named Jean for pouring tea incorrectly. After a painful ten minutes, Em and Jef decide to dash off while Jean is in the loo, and hit up a pub for some fish and chips instead. (Ten bucks says neither of them knew what fish and chips was before this trip.) Jef attempts to suck up to Emily and assure her that he is not Kalon. "If Ricki's baggage, she's a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever," he says, nonchalantly displaying his knack for name-dropping designer labels. (Jef with one F, be my best friend.)

Emily dons an intensely sparkly dress for dinner and they go up to the London Eye, which looks kind of like a spaceship. Em says that her one-year goal is to no longer be the "always single girl," because she's clearly always single, including that time she was engaged to that other strong-jawed "Bachelor" dude. Jef continues to compliment her but denies the lady the one thing she really wants -- some make-out action. After talking about Salt Lake City, family dance parties, unconditional love and how "unexperienced" (oh Jef ... please learn grammar) he is, the dude finally goes in for the kiss. Jef may be minus an F, but he's plus a rose.

Cocktail Parties Are For Grilling
Our fair Bachelorette uses the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party to lay down the law with her remaining suitors. "I was shown a huge lack of respect this week," she tells them. The rest of the party involves Em grabbing guys and grilling them about why they her earlier about Kalon, while the dudes respond with sweeping generalizations and cliches.
--Travis: "I'd step up to the plate."
--John: "I'll always tell the truth."
--Arie: "I thought you could fight your own battles." (Wrong answer, Arie.)

Now that Kalon is gone, it becomes clear that Ryan has to stick around a little while longer just to keep things interesting. He takes Em aside and performs some more impromptu Shakespeare. "Leonardo Dicaprio, eat your heart out," Ryan and his insanely inflated ego say to the cameras. "I'm mad at myself for saying it, but I find myself liking him more and more," states Emily. When it comes to Ryan, Em just needs to follow the advice I learned from D.A.R.E. in fifth grade: Just Say No.

"Welcome To Another Rose Ceremony," Says Chris Harrison
Chris reminds everyone that "emotions are running high," and that Jef and Sean already have roses. There are six -- count 'em! -- roses left, which means that one dude will be sent home.
SAFE: Doug, Ryan (wearing another questionable scarf), Chris, John, Travis, Arie
ELIMINATED: Alejandro, whose exist speech was the most we've heard him talk all season

Next Week, In Croatia...
Croatia! Travis thinks Croatia is cool! Travis dances! Ryan wears blue shoes! Jef wears plaid! So much making out! Arie falls in love! The dudes sh*t talk! Emily has trust issues! Arie knocks on a window! Emily walks on alone on a cobblestone street!

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