06/25/2013 12:14 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

'The Bachelorette' Season 9, Episode 5: Desiree Hartsock Sleds, Yodels, Gets Dumped In Germany

After a rousing week of Hurricane Sandy destruction-ogling in Jersey, Desiree's 11 remaining dude-bros are off to their first international destination: Munich, Germany. Naturally the episode begins with yodeling, the subway, panoramic views of the city and a whole lot of Americans attempting to speak German with little success. Chris Harrison eventually shows up and informs the guys that there will be a one-on-one date, a group date and a (dreaded) two-on-one date.

Adventures In Polka-Dancing And Poorly-Timed Dumping
Chris (not Harrison) gets the one-on-one date and is generally adorable about it. He and Des set off to explore Munich, armed only with a phrase book and awful German accents. "Today is going to be an adventure!" declares Des. While Des and Chris eat a sausage like "Lady and the Tramp," try on lederhosen and giggle, Bryden is back at the hotel having second thoughts about being on "The Bachelorette." He eventually decides that he MUST tell Des he wants to leave immediately -- because she'll "appreciate" it. While wearing matching American Apparel zip-up hoodies (#BacheloretteUniform), the other dudes look at Bryden skeptically and chat about how crushed Des is going to be.

Bryden wanders around randomly flagging down Germans to ask them in English if they've seen any TV cameras around. I wonder how those passersby resisted saying ... "um... behind you?" Eventually Bry finds Des and Chris in a square polka dancing and creepily stares them down until he's noticed. He pulls Des aside to explain that he doesn't like like her, and Chris is baffled at how something could go wrong post-polka. Des seems (understandably) pissed that Bryden decided to wait until he took an international flight on ABC's dime to inform her that he wanted to leave. After saying bye-bye to Bry, Des heads back to Chris with tears in her eyes, vowing not to let this hiccup affect their fun timez. Chris totally wants Des to open up to him because he loves communication. "There may be guys like Bryden who will break my heart, but there are also guys like Chris," says Des as she and Chris "cheers!" with giant German beers.

This Is A German Fairytale
After Des and Chris change into their fancy clothes -- i.e. Des puts on a sparkly gown and declares that she feels like a princess -- they head to a dinner they won't touch, which is naturally served in a castle. Chris opens up about how he's a "relationship guy" who just wants to settle down and have a family. (Oh Chris, you truly are perfect for this franchise.) Des says that her ex was "unexpressive" so now she needs someone who's "expressive." Luckily Chris wrote her a poem to prove just how "expressive" he is! I immediately tune out the next few minutes because the thought of a man reading a woman awful poetry on national TV is too cringe-worthy to willingly endure I tune back in as Chris is telling the camera how much he likes Des ... because she can throw a football. They obviously have a deep connection, so he gets a rose and gets to make out with Des! "Kissing her feels right," says Chris. "I feel like I've known her for years." (Reminder: He's known her for five weeks.) Then they get a private concert from a musician no one really cares about and make out some more! Ah, true love. Chris is totally falling for Des, and he thinks it's mutual ... apparently Des communicates "through her eyes." Riiiigggght.

Yodeling And Sledding Are Oh-So-Romantic

bachelorette episode 5

Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew and Mikey get the group date, which means that Michael and Ben are left to duke it out on the two-on-one. Michael vows to "murder" Ben, gladiator-style. (Dear lord, I'm already hoping they both get kicked off.) The group date men show up to meet Des all wearing matching shades and down coats, ready for a gondola ride over snow-covered mountains. On the top, they are interrupted by the sound of yodeling! (Because, Germany.) Juan Pablo cannot seem to pronounce "yodeler" and gets even more adorable. All the dudes practice yodeling and Des is really happy that they're so into trying out German "culture."

Post-yodeling session, the boys and girl see seven slides lined up, just ready to be sledded down a giant mountain! "Love is like sledding down this hill," says Zak, attempting to be deep. After an epic snowball fight and a few more awful metaphors, the group retreats to an igloo hotel to sit on fur-covered couches and begin the awkward "who can get Des away from the group" game.

bachelorette episode 5

Some highlights:
--Brooks pulls Des into a snowy hallway, and they kiss a lot after a limited conversation, which seems to be their thing. She's clearly attracted to him.
--Mikey thinks he and Des really "connect" so he forces her to build their future family out of snow.
--Zak sneak-attacks Mikey's time by yodeling. He confesses to Des that it was in the German alps a decade before that he decided not to become a Catholic priest.
--James pouts because he wants another one-on-one date. Drew doesn't see James' appeal. (Neither do I, Drew. Neither do I.)
--Brooks gets the group date rose. James is pissed because he and Brooks are "polar opposites."

'Good Christian Man' vs. Federal Prosecutor
Ben says he's just gonna be a "good Christian man" (i.e. civil) on his two-on-one date, but angry Michael has other plans. "Today is Armageddon," he says, which may be the most overdramatic statement uttered this season. Michael vows to "cross-examine" Ben because (reminder!) he's an attorney. "This is like the best mountain town ever!" exclaims Des when the boys arrive. After a fake suggestion that they polar bear plunge, which many of the women on Des' season of "The Bachelor" did in Canada -- "F**k no!" says Des -- the threesome pile into a hot tub boat (a "hot tug"). They should be having fun, but Michael can't stop accusing Ben of being a bad father. "Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersonation of a southern gentleman," he says. (Oh my god, please just go home already.)

Back at the hotel suite, Drew and Kasey reveal that they overheard James talking to Mikey about how he's gonna parlay his post-"Bachelorette" fame into a life of biddies and "intimate settings" on boats. Drew's strong moral compass makes it so that he HAS to tell Des about this.

While Drew is setting up James to be the next villain, Michael is busy trying to tear down the current one by mocking Ben for not joining the rest of the guys at church on Easter. Eventually Ben excuses himself from the table, and Des is visibly frustrated with Michael and totally uncomfortable. "Just because you do go to church, doesn't mean you're close to God," Des says to Michael. Burn. The lawyer quickly realizes he messed up and morphs into damage control mode while Des goes to check on Ben. Despite the fact that Des believes Ben isn't a bad guy, Michael's one-on-one time with Des post-dinner convinces her to let Ben go. Unfortunately for all of us, this means that "gladiator" Michael will grace our screens for at least another week. Ben on the other hand, just wants to enjoy his last night in Europe and get drunk. #Respect.

Chris Harrison Knows How To Gossip, Give Advice
Five episodes in, we finally get a good, quality Chris Harrison pow-wow! Chris welcomes Des into a castle (duh, we're in a fairy tale) and asks her about the cold weather and her hottest kisses. Des tries to hedge, but Chris just really wants to know who can make out best. Turns out Brooks and Zak win on that count. After they review the events of the episode, including Bryden-Gate, Des tells Chris that she wants to cancel this week's cocktail party. Her mind is made up.

Skip The Cocktails, Serve The Roses Straight Up
Juan Pablo "ooohs" when Des walks in, which is probably the most screen time he's gotten all episode. Chris Harrison reminds us yet again that Des used to be poor before canceling the cocktail party and crushing Drew's dreams of outing James' supposedly underhanded ways. It's straight to the rose ceremony, y'all.

SAFE: Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo, Drew :: insert uncomfortably long pause :: James. (Chris, Michael and Brooks already have roses.) "James is a cancer," mutters Drew, angrily.
ELIMINATED: Mikey. "I think she missed out on a guy like me," he says. True, Mikey. Des probably won't end up marrying a plumber.

Next Week ... In Barcelona
Olé! Barcelona! Place to fall in love! Make-outs! Drew kisses! Wall kisses! Confrontation! James yells! Des cries! Des doesn't know what to do! Des resents the guys! Man fight! Drew vs. James!

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