"Barcelona, here I am!" yells Des at the beginning of this week's episode of "The Bachelorette." And not only is Desiree in Spain, so are her eight remaining suitors, who are now finally at an appropriate number to tell them all apart. Everyone agrees that Barcelona is a totally romantic city and a perfect place to fall in love -- because, of course -- and Michael recaps why we're all supposed to hate James.
Chris Harrison arrives to inform the guys that there will be two one-on-one dates, one group date and zero cocktail parties. Drew (a.k.a. Ken Doll) gets the first one-on-one and declares: "This is the best feeling in the world." (Oh Drew ... I sincerely hope that's not true.)
Drew Opens Up, Makes Out
Drew and Des are set to explore Barcelona for the day. Drew starts the date off on a strong note and goes right in for the make-out. Nicely done! They walk around the city, say everything is pretty, drink hot cocoa and kiss a lot more. Then Drew decides that it's time to "open up" and cries while he tells Des that his father is a recovering alcoholic who is very active in the AA community. He also happens to have leukemia. "Not many people know he has cancer," says Drew, telling the entirety of America that his dad has cancer. Des looks appropriately sympathetic, rubs Drew's back and kisses his cheek. She's now officially convinced that Drew has depth, so she feels much closer to him.
After the opening up/exploring portion of the date is over, Des and Drew go through a "tiny doorway" to a private dinner, which they obviously will not touch. Drew is "overcome by emotions" -- so much so that he feels compelled to grab Des and lead her into a corridor ... to make out. (Someone took a cue from Arie on Emily's season of "The Bachelorette.") "That kiss really made me see Drew in a different way," says Des. After what seemed like years of up-against-a-wall kissing, Drew gets the rose and gets very serious. He tells Des that he and Kasey overheard James talking about how if he gets to the top four, he'll get tons of exposure and be the next Bachelor. (Obviously a majority of "Bach" contestants are looking for pseudo fame, but you do NOT acknowledge that while you're there. Way to break the cardinal rule of reality TV, James.) "What a f**king a**hole!" says Des, showing some genuine personality. I like pissed-off Des!
Des Finds Her Girl Power, ABC Finds Juan Pablo
Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo get the group date, which means that Zak gets the final one-on-one. He's thrilled. Juan Pablo is disappointed. (So are we, JP. So are we.) Luckily, this date involves soccer, so Juan Pablo for the win! The dudes pull up to RCD Espanyol soccer stadium, greeted by a clad-in-neon Des who announces in a voice-over that she's planning to give James the benefit of the doubt. I'm too busy swooning over former pro soccer player Juan Pablo's skills to care.
After they all run around the field and yell "ole!" a lot, Des announces that the dudes will be facing off against her and her soccer team -- who turn out to be young women (and also pro soccer players). The guys immediately become cocky and oddly sexist making comments like "I was expecting a professional men's team" and "It is wrong to hit a woman. It is not wrong to kick a woman's soccer ball." Oy. After JP scores two goals, the ladies begin to dominate ... scoring the next 10 goals against the dudes' goalie, James. James appears to be subscribing to the Amber from "Clueless" attitude about balls, and the other guys are none too pleased.
"You Sound Like You're Auditioning For The Jersey Shore"
Post-game, they all change into their fancy-schmancy clothes and head back to the hotel to schmooze. Some highlights:
--Kasey announces that tonight is definitely the right time to confront James. (Unclear why that's the case.)
--Des takes Chris to her room, and they chastely lie on her bed while she recites some "poetry" she wrote him. All real poets weep silently as this occurs. Chris is obviously smitten.
--Kasey and Michael recap the James sitch ... again.
--Kasey confronts James about what he overheard. James just looks confused.
--Brooks and Des cuddle on a couch while the Dudes vs. James fight begins. Brooks seems happy he's not involved.
The James confrontation quickly devolves into a hilarious screaming match in which James says things like "I go on a one-on-one date with her ... you haven't even been on a one-on-one date, Michael!" and Michael responds with lines like: "You sound like you're auditioning for the Jersey Shore!" (Finally, someone said it.) After James starts dropping the F-word excessively, Kasey accuses him of trying to "counter-accusate" which (SPOILER ALERT!) is not an actual word. When Kasey sits down with Des and confirms Drew's story about James, Des decides to send all the dudes home without giving out a rose and chitchat with James.
During Des and James' one-on-one time, he hedges, accuses everyone of being jealous of him and claims that he has a headache because everything is JUST SO HARD. James starts crying, Des starts crying and everyone watching wishes there wasn't 45 minutes left in this episode. Back at the hotel, Kasey is recapping the previous half hour (obviously), and when James walks back into the suite, things get seriously awkward. "Gentleman ... good night," says James, for maximum dramatic impact.
Nude Modeling Always Leads To True Love
Everyone's still upset about James, but Zak's super-white teeth and spray tan still have a date to go on! Des brings her sketchbook on the date because ... art! Naturally, they go to a studio and don smocks to do some drawing. Zak secures his role as the "funny guy" of the season when he draws the world's worst portrait of Des and she literally falls to the ground laughing. Zak gets a tad uncomfortable when a nude male model shows up to pose for them but quickly realizes that he should get in on the game and strips down to his tighty-whities for Des -- which she also finds hilarious. I'm unsure whether this is a rousing success or a failure for Zak. Do you really want your date to crack up when she sees your abs?
After the artistic portion of the day is over, they head down into a cave for some opening-up time! We learn that Zak wants a marriage like his parents have (duh), is only single because he's so "adventurous" and is falling in love with Des (well, that was quick). Des gives him the rose to "see where things can go," which turns out to be the corridor ... for some making out.
Dramatic Annoying Fight Yet
The footage from this season must have been seriously boring because James-Gate literally takes up half of this week's episode. James decides to pull Drew aside to get his perspective on the whole thing, and Drew goes off on a holier-than-thou rant about how James is inappropriate and should only be on "The Bachelorette" 100 percent for love. James explains that he was simply bro-ing out with his J-Shore bro Mikey and saying that the "worst-case scenario" would be making it to the top four and becoming the next Bachelor. (Sorry to break it to you, James, but no one wants to see you make it to the top four or star on any "Bach" series -- except maybe "Bachelor Pad.") "This isn't a normal situation, Drew," says James, revealing to the world that (O. M. G.) "The Bachelorette" is not, in fact, real life.
After Drew and James' confrontation, the dudes sit around all wearing V-neck shirts and squeeze uncomfortably onto two small couches. Des arrives to pull James aside -- again -- with the intention of sending him home. But after he cries and tells her that everything is "so tough" for him (wah, wah, wah), she gets all confused and kisses him instead. Drew, Kasey and Michael watch creepily from the deck and look extra angry.
When James comes back, Chris makes the mistake of asking him what he and Des discussed. James says they talked about "reality" and explains: "I might come off as a cocky son-of-a-b*tch, but I have a very good sense of self." At this point, even calm Chris loses it and points out that James will probably not become the next Bachelor. As the dudes continue to gang up on James, James goes into full-fledged toddler mode. "I don't have to answer questions from any of you guys if I don't feel like it," he says, storming out.
Three Dudes Down, Four To Go
Drew declares that there will be a "mutiny" if James doesn't get sent home. (I get super curious as to what a "Bachelorette" mutiny would look like. Would one of these guys have to walk the plank?) James feels good about things because he totally saw Des' eyes and is SURE that she trusts him. Meanwhile, Des is staring at James' framed photo looking melancholy and confused. Finally Chris Harrison arrives and informs the dudes that they've probably "done the math," but there are only three roses to give out tonight -- which means three eliminations. I immediately start mourning Juan Pablo, because obviously Des is not smart enough to realize that when you have a Venezuelan pro soccer player, you don't let him go.
SAFE: Chris, Brooks ... and Michael -- who is the absolute worst. (Drew and Zak already have roses.)
ELIMINATED: Juan Pablo (noooooooooo!), Kasey (so long, #hashtag guy) and James.
JP looks appropriately sad and laments how hard it is to date when you have a daughter, Kasey doesn't even get an exit interview and James whines and claims he was bullied: "How did I come off as such a bad person? Why me?" "He was found guilty. People vs. James, case closed," says Michael, confirming just how grating he really is.
Coming Up On This Faux-Dramatic Season...
Helicopter! Kisses! Boats! Fireworks! Kissing in bathing suits! Making out on a beach! Loving and caring! Love! More in love! Kissing everywhere! Waves! More making out! Didn't see this happening! It just happens! Tears! Des was hopeful! Hugs! Des walks off crying! Des doesn't wanna love anyone! Where does Des wanna go! Des tears! Worst day of someone's life! More Des tears! Concerned faces! Brooks tears! Chris tears! Zak tears! Des wants to go home!
LOOK: The Best Tweets About This Week's "Bachelorette"