07/23/2013 12:30 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

'The Bachelorette' Season 9, Episode 9: The Men Tell All Is All About Juan Pablo

The "Men Tell All" episode of the "The Bachelorette" may as well have been renamed "A Couple Men And Women Say Some Things While We Focus On Juan Pablo." Everyone's favorite Venezuelan soccer player was back this week -- and got some long overdue screen time. Oh, and Des was there too.

"Will her fairytale have an unhappy ending?" asks Chris Harrison, because couldn't possibly have an hour go by without a Cinderella reference. Aaaaaand we're off! But before we can get to the supposedly juicy stuff, Chris waxes poetic about how great "Bachelor(ette)" fans are and we're "treated" -- more like subjected to -- Des and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in L.A. and New York. Cue the screaming girls, guys, random "party bus" chants and massive glasses of wine! In NYC, ABC has gotten the three couples for whom this "journey" has actually worked out (Jason and Molly Mesnick, Ashley Hebert and JP Rosenbaum, and Trista Sutter sans her husband Ryan) to join Des and remind everyone that she's likable and that love COULD happen for her. "We're not even cool or relevant anymore," exclaim Molly and Jason as they get snapped by 100 iPhones.

All Ladies Talk About "Bad Boys" Over Cocktails, Right?
In another effort to somehow fill the full two hours of this show, ABC enlists past Bachelorettes Ashley Hebert, Emily Maynard and Ali Fedotowsky to chit chat about "bad boys" over yellow cocktails and pretend that they're BFFs. It's very forced and awkward, because they are definitely not BFFs in real life, but IT does remind me that Emily and Ali are entertaining, feisty Bachelorettes in a way that Des just hasn't been. (Ashley pretty much stays silent.) They go over all the dudes that Des is "nervous" to see -- Brian, Ben and James -- and then flash back to Ali and Emily telling off dudes on their seasons. "Girls days more often!," they all yell at the end. Ladies, amirite?

the bachelorette

The Men Arrive And Tell Some Things
After much ado, the dudes of Des' season finally make an appearance. Robert (who?), Dan, Nick, Brad, Jonathan (no, seriously, who???), Bryden, Brandon, Will (oh hey, token black man!), Zack K., James, Ben, Mikey, Juan Pablo (who gets insane cheers), Kasey, Michael and Zak W. (who also gets insane cheers) take the stage. "Juan Pablo, you're gonna need security to get out of here," remarks Chris Harrison, in what is probably his most astute observation of the night. Before we get to the "bad boys" in the hot seat portion of the two-hour torture session ... er ... evening, here are some highlights:
--Zak W. would sign up for "The Bachelorette" over and over and over again because it was SUCH a good experience.
--Michael avoids using any legal terminology when discussing the guy drama.
--Jonathan turns out to be the creepy dude who tried to force Des into a "fantasy suite" on the first night and was promptly booted.
--Des is still gorgeous (and a handy a montage the dudes all saying as much reminds us of this point).
--Jonathan is shocked he didn't get booed in the beginning. Michael points out that this is simply because no one remembered him. (#Truth)
--Brian (and his insane ex- and/or current girlfriend) decided not to show up to the Men Tell All. Everyone, including Chris Harrison, agrees that he sucked.
--Juan Pablo is composed and adorable and says he didn't understand why Ben wasn't "there to make friends."

What Happens In Vegas Doesn't Stay In Vegas
Chris reminds us that "everything went downhill for Ben" after his adorable son stepped out of the limo on night one. We see a montage (because there haven't been enough of those) chronicling Ben's downfall. Most of the fans seem to think his downward spiral has to do with his shady behavior towards the other dudes. I think it was his horrible man-tank. Ben defends himself by saying that he's simply is aggressive when pursuing a potential step-mom for his son. Mikey thinks Ben was a disrespectful d-bag, and Juan Pablo "knew Ben was trouble" ... when he walked in. (Cue the T-Swift references now.)

Then things get super weird when Dan, who most viewers hardly remember, tells everyone that Ben's baby momma approached him in Vegas to talk sh*t about Ben's parenting abilities. Awwwwkward. It's unclear whether any of this is true, but it does create an opportunity for Zak W. to talk about how GREAT a dad Juan Pablo is. Juan Pablo 4ever!


Can We Please Never Speak Of James-Gate Again?
Next up is James, and the most boring/painful 15 minutes of the episode. As though Kasey and James didn't argue enough about what James and Mikey did or didn't say in the back of a car one time when Kasey may or may not have been asleep, the boys are back to argue some more! I could provide details, but it pretty sounded like "blah, blah, blah, Mikey's boat, blah, blah, blah, this is what real men talk about, blah, blah, blah, right reasons." Juan Pablo concludes the petty fight by declaring that while he likes James, he wouldn't want James to date his sister or daughter. Another win for JP! At the end of the segment, Chris Harrison conducts an informal poll of the audience, asking whether they'd like to see James as the next Bachelor. Shockingly, no one does.

::Pause for extended plug for Clorox bleach::

Let's Just Make Juan Pablo The Next Bachelor Already
Despite the fact that Juan Pablo got no screen time and no one-on-one date, he still managed to charm the hearts (and loins) of many viewers, and Chris Harrison acknowledges as much. Apparently the producers realized what a hit JP was, so they decided to give him the spotlight -- and hot seat -- during the Men Tell All. We see a montage of mostly-never-aired Juan Pablo footage (including some adorable Skype chats with his daughter), Chris successfully pronounces "Juan Pablo" and everyone concludes that he is NOT in fact a Latino stereotype! (Dear lord, we seriously need some racial and ethnic diversity on this show.)

In the end, Juan Pablo just wants to find a nice woman to eat breakfast and go to the movies with. Obviously he should return to reality television to find that.

It's Rough On An Oil Rig
Zak W. sits down for a chit-chat with Chris Harrison, fully clothed and still a bit heartbroken. As the most recent Desiree reject, it's his job to make us feel a little sad and potentially campaign to be the next Bachelor. He laments the fact that at the ripe old age of 31, he is the only one of his friends who isn't married -- and there aren't a lot of ladies on the oil rig. (Zak, just head over to NYC and you'll realize that being 31 and single is actually just fine.) Chris Harrison also reads a sappy message aloud that Zak once wrote Des in invisible ink. Yup... not a joke.

Desiree (Finally) Arrives, We All Wonder Why This Thing Is Still Going
By the time Des gets on set, I am fully ready to turn off the TV but decide for the sake of writing this blog, I should probably watch the whole thing. "Bad boys ... whatcha gonna do?" says Des, trying to be funny by quoting the "Cops" theme song, because that's relevant. She gets a little sassy with some of the guys, which I wish she had been all season long. Highlights from her confrontations:
--Des says she threw up a little in her mouth when thinking about Jonathan's fantasy suite gag. He apologizes for putting her and the audience through his antics, and she accepts his "sorry."
--Des calls Ben arrogant and says she's not really sure who he is. Ben wonders -- along with the rest of us -- why she kept Michael over him.
--Michael admits he may have gone a little too far during their two-on-one date. (A little, Michael?)
--Des calls James out, James gets hurt. "You were in a relationship with 25 guys," James says, daring to critique the "reality" of the "Bachelorette" model. When Des gears up to give him sass again, he just apologizes.
--Juan Pablo just wants to know why didn't get a one-on-one date. (Awwww!)
--Des thinks Zak sometimes hid behind his smile. Zak appreciates the constructive criticism.
--Zak wrote Des a song ... because, of course. Everyone watching is paralyzed with indecision over whether to mute their TV before he starts singing.
--All of the overly-invested women in the audience start crying while Zak sings. Des doesn't tear up, but she does hug it out with Zak. Now they're totally besties.

Bloopers: A Moderately Entertaining Montage
Before we can see the scenes from next week ... and the week after, we are treated to three minutes of somewhat funny bloopers. We're reminded that Bryden was there, Mikey once ran away from a grasshopper, Kasey and Chris hung out in an empty bathtub fully clothed, Brandon once ran around in only his undies, lots of things burst into flames on this show and no one can pronounce anything in German -- even Chris Harrison.

The Next Two Weeks, On The "Most Emotionally Intense" Finale Ever...
Boats! Hugs! Love! Helicopters! Des gives her heart! So pretty! Making out on the beach! It's like heaven! Madly, deeply in love! This is it! Tears! Chris Harrison consoling! Des never thought she'd be here! Des wants to go home! More Des tears! Des loves the wrong people! Des doesn't deserve heartbreak! Des can't be 100 percent! Des is sorry! Des cries in so many outfits! Brooks tears! Drew tears! Chris tears! It's over!

LOOK: The Best Tweets About This Week's "Bachelorette"

Tweets About 'The Bachelorette' Season 9, Episode 9: The Men Tell All