01/21/2014 01:38 pm ET Updated Mar 23, 2014

Michelle Obama Might Get Plastic Surgery: 6 Reasons I Won't

New Year, New You. This time of year we see a lot of ads for plumpers, fillers, extractions, and other painful ways that allegedly will make your life miraculously better if you just stop being what you are naturally. Plastic surgery has become common place and more women are opting for an expressionless forehead in exchange for the semblance of a more youthful appearance.

Michelle Obama made waves this week buy announcing she would not rule out plastic surgery in the future. GTFO, Mrs. Thang! You are perfection the way you are.

I joke a lot about needing and getting plastic surgery but the truth of the matter is I would never do it for the following reasons:

1. There is pain involved. I have spent much time avoiding pain and I am not about to take out a second mortgage to get some.

2. I really don't look in the mirror much besides getting ready in the mornings and, if I avert my eyes just right, I really don't even have to do that. It's like the tree in the forest thing: "If a crevice appears between your eyebrows and you don't see it, does it really exist?"

3. There is a lot of money involved and, since I am avoiding the mirror now, the benefit is for others and not me. I think the ones who look at me most should take up a collection and pay for the surgery as it will enhance their Emma-viewing experience.

4. I could use that money to buy the Louis Vuitton Speedy 35 I have lusted over for years.

5. I am afraid I will be one of the rare people who die during plastic surgery and have to explain my selfishness at the pearly gates: "You mean you took your children's inheritance and spent it on maiming yourself? You could have set up your mother in a nice condo for that price!" (Apparently, in my mind, the pearly gates are guarded by someone else's guilt-wielding mother.)

6. And lastly, it is not the message I want to give to my daughter. I love being my age and would not go back to being younger for anything. This is a happy time in my life and if wrinkles and other disturbing physical changes are part of the deal, then so be it.

It is hard accepting the loss of youthful advantages. The admiring glances are few and far between but I like being this age. I am more confident, less worrisome over things I cannot change, and able to bend with ebb and flow of life without losing my shit. Well, on a good day, that is...

So, I'll put my best face forward (complete with deftly hair-sprayed bangs to hide as much as I can without looking like Cousin It) and save my money and pain for my children. Heaven knows, they know how to extract both much better than liposuction ever could.

What about you? How do you feel about plastic surgery?